Showing posts with label Scars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scars. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Scars, by Betsy


I can hear it now. “She will be scarred for life if she tries to live a lesbian life-style.” Had my mother not died as a young woman, had she been present when I came out, I believe this is what she might have said. Her mother, my grandmother well may have said this too. The two women had a great deal of influence on me as I was growing up. Neither knew I was homosexual as they both died well before I came out.

They may have been right in making that imaginary statement, however. We all have scars—physical and emotional or psychological. Growing up gay in a homophobic society will inevitably produce wounds. Even after wounds heal scars can be left as evidence of the damage.

I have some scars on my physical body as well as my psyche. Most people do. One I acquired early in life represents a wound caused when I lost control of my bicycle going about 20 MPH down a hill hitting a curb head on, and landing completely unconscious by a street lamp. I was rescued by my dentist who happened to be looking out his window when the accident happened. I had a bad cut on my face which had to be sown up by a surgeon. The scar is still visible, but barely.

I suppose analogous to that might be that I was born into a world which had no understanding, certainly no acceptance, of gays or lesbians—most certainly not of their lifestyles. One might say the accident was that I was born homosexual, but I don’t see that as an accident—just the way it is. There are most definitely scars left from being born into and living in this non-accepting environment. As I have written before I have a passion for the truth and a great respect for living honestly and with integrity. Yet I lived half my life in a life-style that was a lie.

It was not an unhappy time of life, but it was basically flawed. That flaw of the fraudulent lifestyle is the wound. The wound is now healed, but a scar reveals that there had been a wound—a wound caused by an accident?

While I’m making analogies, allow me one more. Another scar is in the middle of my lower back, about a 10 inch line right down my spine. The reason I have this scar is because I had pain brought on by spondylolisthesis. Because I had pain a surgeon cut into my back and treated the source of the pain. The corresponding scar in my psyche might be represented as the result of treating a deep emotional hurt. The pain in this case I see as the years of self denial and the fear of rejection brought about by my unwillingness to express my true self that resulted.

All in all I think it is safe to say some scars, probably most scars, are good. Why? Because they are the result of healing. They are what is left of a wound or an adverse condition which causes pain. A scar implies that a fix has been made. The wound cannot fester and the pain is just a memory.

It is said that one cannot remember pain. I translate that to: one cannot reproduce a former pain, however one can remember that a particular wound or experience was painful. In this case HOLD THAT THOUGHT. Living freely the life style of one’s choosing is a precious thing.

It can also be a precarious thing. Never to be taken for granted.


© 22 June 2015


Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change). She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Scars, by Gillian


We all have them. Don't try to tell me you don't. Nobody gets to our age without them.

The first one I remember acquiring came along when I was seven or eight. Mum and Dad and I were wandering through the woods picking blackberries when a sharp, jagged, end of a broken-off small branch scraped a gash in my thigh. These days I'm sure it would be off to the ER for stitches, with perhaps a butterfly bandage to keep it together on the way, but back then we were expected to suck it up and soldier on; the result being a scar wider than necessary and very long-lasting. I still have it.

Roughly forty years later I needed a butterfly bandage again when I fell on sharp rock edges while backpacking in the Shoshone Wilderness Area, miles from anywhere. But this time I was carefully tended to by my beautiful Betsy, who had the foresight to carry butterfly bandages in her pack.

Back again in the old days, in college, I slipped at the top of some icy steps and fell, with my knee doubled under me, onto the metal blade of a boot scraper. Now that one did require stitches. But that was all it got. These days we'd be given all kinds of physical therapy; exercises to help it heal as efficiently as possible, but in 1959 I was on my own. It hurt like Hell to bend it, so a couple of days later, on a bus, I stretched my leg out beneath the seat in front of me. The bus got in an accident, the seat above my leg came down on it and hyperextended my knee. That hurt like Hell. A week later, with my knee the size of a football, I went off for a long-planned week's hiking trip with a classmate. Well, I was madly in unacknowledged love with the woman! What's a girl to do? Not surprisingly, I have had a lot of trouble with that knee over the years but I've worked hard at keeping it in working condition, mainly through water aerobics. It remains functional, and actually gives me less pain than it did twenty years ago, though I'm not off on any more backpacking or even hiking trips.

A few years back I broke my ankle - just a simple break. It healed perfectly, leaving no scars. Then, as some of you might recall, I broke my wrist a couple of years ago. That was a compound fracture, requiring surgery, nuts and bolts, and a long scar which has now basically disappeared. My ankle and wrist both healed quickly, fully functioning in record time. That, of course, in addition to skillful surgeons, is because I diligently did every therapeutic exercise I was given, painful though they often were. I would like to think that I have become a little less dumb in dealing with injuries, over the years, but much of that is because healthcare professionals know so much more these days. Our job is just to follow their excellent advice.

Which, it seems to me, is much the same for our inner, psychological, scars as for our outer, physical, injuries.

As a child, and even as a student, I had no more idea how to deal with my inner than my outer pains. Neither, come to that, did my parents. All of us colluded in some strange way to pretend I had no injuries, inside or out. Just get on with life, denying the pain. I've written often enough about my childhood angst so I'm not going to repeat it, but I rode roughshod over it just as I did my mashed knee, making both worse while denying there was a problem. Over the years, I have paid heavily enough for that. But, as I gained knowledge and sought expert advise to try to make my knee more functional and less painful, so I did with my inner dysfunctions. Endless physical therapy, endless psychotherapy. Both mostly of the self-help variety, but they worked. The trouble is, it's so much harder to go back; to try to fix those old inner and outer scars years later. Now, I try to deal with both immediately. Keep exercising that wrist, don't let that scar tissue form or I'll be sorry. Take those emotions out and look at them right now. Work them over. I don't want that psychological scar tissue building up, either.

I don't expect to stop receiving wounds, and so the scars that mark them, either physical or emotional. But as I age, perhaps becoming increasingly vulnerable to physical scarring, I hope to balance it with a healthy decrease in psychological scarring. Due largely to my attempts to follow the spiritual path, and in no small part to this group where I find healing by writing out and sharing my problems, my wounds are less deep, less painful, and heal more readily. Little scar tissue has the chance to form. Even those big bad deep wounds don't get reopened as once they did. Those are the ones that are there because I'm a woman. Because I am gay. I am happy about both, but being female or being GLB or T leaves you constantly open to painful slashes of hate-filled sabers. Oh they are not usually directed at me, personally, but I feel the stab of the knife of every woman murdered because she wants an education, or refuses to hide away her body, and of every gay man murdered in Uganda or left to die in Wyoming. It's certainly not that I find any of those horrors less painful, nor, alas, less frequent. I simply, for the most part, recognize the pain sooner, deal with it better, avoid reopening those old wounds.

Yet I am happy to have scars. How can you live any kind of eventful, meaningful, life, and not have them? We are battle-scarred warriors who, having fought the good fight, did not come out unscathed. As Kahlil Gibran puts it,

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

© 30 June 2015 

About the Author 



I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Scars, by Phillip Hoyle


I’ve been lucky to live 68 years with almost no scars. As a result of that I don’t much relate to this topic even though after many years think I can still identify the scar Jeanetta Olson left on the back of my hand from a fingernail cut. I don’t recall the occasion except that it happened in the car during one of our families’ many trips to Topeka to see Dr. Peuzit. Jeanetta and my sister Christy both doctored with him due to polio. The scar now may be obscured by an age spot.

For some years I sported a scar on one of my fingers due to a cut I got from wrangling with a 16mm film take-up reel when I was working as a student minister at Central Christian Church, Wichita, KS. My wife Myrna was helping me to stop the flow of blood from the cut. When Dr. Parrish, the senior minister, came out of his study to help with a bottle of Witch Hazel, we saw Myrna sink to the floor and almost faint. I held my own paper towel bandage while Dr. Parrish worked with her. After that I was always properly careful around projectors and aware that Myrna might easily faint in any medical situation.

I do have stretch marks in the skin around both of my knees, scars due to having dislocated them. I always felt they seemed like nothing when compared with my wife’s proud stretch marks for having born two children.

In my psychic life I have suffered little pathos, so I have little of that kind of scarring. Still, I have become aware of a price I paid due to the many years of living in the closet. I also am aware that if I stay in this storytelling group for another five years, I may uncover scars of various kinds, even if it is only a callus on my right middle finger from writing stories so intensely every morning to have something ready to read. Also I am aware of the slight possibility that I may have so many scars on my feelings so deep that I cannot distinguish touched from untouched. There are a few scars from medical procedures of the last year and a half. Probably from now on in my ageing life I will be able to add a scaring episode or two from these kinds of new experiences every year. Perhaps I will eventually have a book out of them. I hope not.

Denver, ©22 June 2015



About the Author


Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.”

He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Scars by Betsy


I can hear it now. “She will be scarred for life if she tries to live a lesbian life-style.” Had my mother not died as a young woman, had she been present when I came out, I believe this is what she might have said. Her mother, my grandmother well may have said this too. The two women had a great deal of influence on me as I was growing up. Neither knew I was homosexual as they both died well before I came out.

They may have been right in making that imaginary statement, however. We all have scars—physical and emotional or psychological. Growing up gay in a homophobic society will inevitably produce wounds. Even after wounds heal scars can be left as evidence of the damage.

I have some scars on my physical body as well as my psyche. Most people do. One I acquired early in life represents a wound caused when I lost control of my bicycle going about 20 MPH down a hill hitting a curb head on, and landing completely unconscious by a street lamp. I was rescued by my dentist who happened to be looking out his window when the accident happened. I had a bad cut on my face which had to be sown up by a surgeon. The scar is still visible, but barely.

I suppose analogous to that might be that I was born into a world which had no understanding, certainly no acceptance, of gays or lesbians—most certainly not of their lifestyles. One might say the accident was that I was born homosexual, but I don’t see that as an accident—just the way it is. There are most definitely scars left from being born into and living in this non-accepting environment. As I have written before I have a passion for the truth and a great respect for living honestly and with integrity. Yet I lived half my life in a life-style that was a lie.

It was not an unhappy time of life, but it was basically flawed. That flaw of the fraudulent lifestyle is the wound. The wound is now healed, but a scar reveals that there had been a wound—a wound caused by an accident?

While I’m making analogies, allow me one more. Another scar is in the middle of my lower back, about a 10 inch line right down my spine. The reason I have this scar is because I had pain brought on by spondylolisthesis. Because I had pain a surgeon cut into my back and treated the source of the pain. The corresponding scar in my psyche might be represented as the result of treating a deep emotional hurt. The pain in this case I see as the years of self denial and the fear of rejection brought about by my unwillingness to express my true self that resulted.

All in all I think it is safe to say some scars, probably most scars, are good. Why? Because they are the result of healing. They are what is left of a wound or an adverse condition which causes pain. A scar implies that a fix has been made. The wound cannot fester and the pain is just a memory.

It is said that one cannot remember pain. I translate that to: one cannot reproduce a former pain, however one can remember that a particular wound or experience was painful. In this case HOLD THAT THOUGHT. Living freely the life style of one’s choosing is a precious thing.

It can also be a precarious thing. Never to be taken for granted.


© 22 June 2015


Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change). She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Scars, by Will Stanton


Like each of us, I have suffered, throughout my years, scars, some physical and some emotional.  I have accumulated scars resulting from incidents of injury, cancer, unwarranted personal attacks, emotional abuse, dishonesty, greed, and lack of common human decency.  Frankly, I'd rather not dwell upon them.  Dredging up those memories is very uncomfortable for me.

There is something else about me that people should come to understand.   There is something about me that has made me, throughout my life, particularly sensitive to the misfortune of others.  I understand their hurt; I empathize with their plight; I can imagine walking in their shoes.  I am prone to feeling regret and sorrow; and I tend not to forget.  I wish more people were like that.  In addition, the traumatic incident need not be a recent one.  I know something about history; and, unfortunately, history is replete with sorrow.  Yes, those incidents happened a long time ago; and, no, they did not happen to me.  However, I still wish that those so many sad incidents never had happened, especially when they have happened to the young, those who had too short a time to experience the world, to grow, to live.
     
Let me relate one such incident that, when I heard it told to me and my family, surprised and saddened me.  It is a remarkable experience of mine when I was ten years old.  For those of you who were in this group two years ago, you may recall that I briefly mentioned this episode in my story about my time in Europe.  This time, I would like to go into greater detail to clarify the impact this incident had upon me.  The two persons suffering deep scars were two former soldiers, one Canadian, one German.  The very end of this story is the main point, a coincidence that is most amazing.  I never have forgotten that moment.

In 1954 through '55, my dad was an exchange-teacher doing research in Germany.  Our family went with him, living and traveling throughout Europe during that time.  I recall one sunny afternoon when we sat at an outdoor café while my dad talked with several young men who now were exchange-students.  One man in particular (I'll call him “Tom,” for I do not remember his name) stated that he originally was from Canada and had fought, along with the Canadian and British troops, on the beaches of Normandy and onward, trying to capture Caen.  He began to relate at length his experiences, unforeseen experiences that had left a deep, emotional scar; for he just could not forget what happened.  He had been prepared to fight German soldiers, but he was not psychologically prepared to fight children.

I never forgot Tom's poignant tale.  I became perplexed about Germany's immoral use and waste of young people, throwing them into battle during Germany's inevitable collapse and defeat.  Recently, I wished to understand more about Tom's having to battle boy-soldiers.

Under Nazi rule, joining the Hitlerjugend became compulsory.  From an early age, obedience and fanaticism were drilled into them.  The children's mothers were inundated with propaganda to assure that this indoctrination continued at home.  Boys as young as nine received paramilitary training.  This was the only world-view these youngsters had.  Consequently, most did not perceive the insanity of sending children to war.

Not all parents or children wished to have anything to do with the Hitler Youth.  Punishment for noncooperation was swift and harsh.  The Gestapo could arrest parents and send them to concentration camps.  There even were reports of some SS officers using compulsion to force boys to sign up as so-called volunteers.  Boys would be held in locked rooms without contact with their parents, and denied food, water and toilet facilities until they signed.  Others, some members of the regular army complained, had been physically beaten into submission.

Some parents and boys, of course, were “true-believers,” and boys eagerly joined.  Those whom the authorities judged to possess special qualities were invited to enter into the élite NAPOLA schools (Nationalpolitische Lehranstalt, National Political Institution of Teaching).  Those boys likely felt proud of their handsome uniforms and their own Solingen-steel daggers.  Along with a steady dose of political propaganda, they received regular military training, all under the guise of “playing games.”  They had no idea of what lay before them.



Since Germany's defeat at Stalingrad in 1943, Germany faced defeat after defeat with tens of thousands of soldiers killed or captured.  In desperation, the authorities began to rely upon underage boys to fill the gap.  One such division, sent to the front just before the Normandy invasion, was the 12th SS Hitlerjugend Division, made up boys mostly fifteen to eightteen, although many were younger.  For example, when captured, Willy Eischenberg was just fourteen and Hubert Heinrichs only ten years old. 

Willy Etschenberg 14, Hubert Heinrichs 10 Oct 1944
In place of the traditional tobacco ration, these boy-soldiers received candy, and in place of the beer ration, they received milk, if and when it was available. Otherwise, they trained hard to fight like adult SS men.  I consider war and violence in all forms to be evil, let alone warping young minds toward fighting wars. 

The Allies, with their overwhelmingly superior air power, attacked repeatedly to take the area around Caen and eventually the city itself.  26,000 tons of bombs were dropped on the old city, crushing it to rubble.  The remnants of two German armies were trapped around Falaise and attempted to break out, but they needed a rear guard.  Sixty of the 12th Hitlerjugend Division were given that suicidal task and took positions in the École Superieure.  Firepower from attacking soldiers and artillery constantly bombarded the young defenders.  The boys, however, refused to retreat.  Of the sixty, only two, chosen as messengers, survived.

Once the Allied soldiers discovered that they were fighting just kids, they were surprised and shocked.  Yet, the ferocity of the boys astounded the allied forces.  One British tank commander recalled how Hitler Youth soldiers had sprung at Allied tanks "- - - like young wolves, until we were forced to kill them against our will."  Their fearlessness and determination reportedly was explained by their training in the NAPOLA schools, along with their bitterness regarding the massive Allied bombing of civilians in their homes and cities.

From June 7th through July 9th, the combined 12th Hitlerjugend Division lost more than 4,000 dead and 8,000 wounded or missing.  Even the replacement division commander, Kurt Meyer, wrote down his feelings of dismay and sorrow.  “That, which l now experienced, was not war any more, but naked murder.  I knew every one of these boys. - - These boys had not yet learned how to live; but, God knows, they knew how to die!  The crushing chains of the tanks ended their young lives.  Tears rolled over my face."  A few days later, Field Marshal von Rundstedt lamented, “It is a shame that these faithful youth were being sacrificed in a hopeless cause.'' Erwin Rommel made similar remarks shortly before he was forced to commit suicide.

Later, an Allied soldier found an undelivered letter on the body of a youth, killed in the battle.  The boy had expressed the feelings of many of the division's boys: "I write during one of the momentous hours before we attack, full of excitement and expectation of what the next days will bring. - - - Some believe in living, but life is not everything!  It is enough to know that we attack and will throw the enemy from our homeland.  It is a holy task.  Above me is the terrific noise of rockets and artillery, the voice of war."




That is what I learned about the young soldiers whom Tom faced around Caen and Falaise.  When he discovered whom he was fighting, when he saw the slaughter, he was shocked.  Yet, the memory which most disturbed Tom, the memory that left such a long-term emotional scar, was the scene of backing some of the tattered remains of the Hitlerjugend into the river.  He and his fellow soldiers stood on the bank, picking off every fighter they could see.
The whole point of this story, the one that I could not forget, is what happened next as Tom finished his sad tale. He ended by saying, “We didn't stop firing until we saw no more figures in the water.  I don't think any of them survived.”  At that point, a young man, sitting alone at a nearby table, quietly turned to our group and stated simply, “I did.”

 All of us at our table sat in stunned silence.  After we recovered from our initial shock, my father spoke to the person and discovered that, as a young teen, he had been a member of the 12th Hitlerjugend Division and had barely reached the other side of the river as all his friends perished in a hail of bullets.  Tom's scar, or that other young man’s scar, were not my scar; yet I was deeply moved by what I had just heard.  Not a scar, but the sad memory of that day, shall remain with me forever.                                                       © 27 May 2015

Scars: Postscript, Battle of the Bulge
(as told by Joseph Robertson at age 86)




Those remaining boys who survived the fighting around Caen regrouped to fight in the Battle of the Bulge.  American infantryman Joseph Robertson fought against them.  One incident in particular left him with a deep, life-long scar.  He was interviewed at age 86, when he told his story in his own words.

“I was hid behind the big tree that was knocked down or fallen, and I could see these Germans in the woods across this big field.  And, I saw this young kid crawling up a ditch straight towards my tree.  So I let him crawl.  I didn't fire at him.  But, when he got up within three or four foot of me, I screamed at him to surrender.  And instead of surrendering, he started to pull his gun towards me, which was instant death for him.  But, this young man, he was blond, blue eyes, fair skin, so handsome.  He was like a little angel.  But, I still had to shoot him.  And, it didn't bother me the first night because I went to sleep, and I was so tired.  But, the second night, I woke up crying because that kid was there.  And to this day, I wake up many nights crying over this kid.  I still see him in my dreams and I don't know how to get him off my mind.”

Those dreams, that scar, haunted Joseph Robertson for sixty-five years until his death at age ninety in 2009.


© 27 May 2015 

About the Author  

I have had a life-long fascination with people and their life stories.  I also realize that, although my own life has not brought me particular fame or fortune, I too have had some noteworthy experiences and, at times, unusual ones.  Since I joined this Story Time group, I have derived pleasure and satisfaction participating in the group.  I do put some thought and effort into my stories, and I hope that you find them interesting.