Friday, August 14, 2015

Death in Utopia by Gillian


When I rule the world, we will all have a sane, legal, choice of death's time and place. Not everyone will make their own choice, but for those who wish to, it will be available.

Why must people be faced with detestable choices when they find themselves, for whatever reason, at the end of their rope? Blow your brains out and leave them all over the wall for loved ones to clean up. Die in a dirty stinking ally from a purposeful O.D. of drugs and/or alcohol. Drive your car off a cliff and leave others to identify the charred remains. Get in the bathtub and slit your wrists; only perhaps you don't do it just right, or perhaps some well-meaning friend comes along and finds you too soon, so you're left to struggle on with your disastrous life or try it again.

Why must those who chose the time of their passing, and those who love them, be forced into such indignity?

What do so many old people worry about?

Outliving their money. Outliving the effectiveness of their minds or bodies or both.

So why not remove those worries? If we outlive anything, and chose to go, we can. With dignity and serenity.

When I rule the world, there will be The Utopia Center available to you. It will be very much along the lines of Hospice, but with certain key differences. You check in to a pleasant, quiet room, and nothing can happen for 24 hours. It seems to me that a certain time to reconsider should be mandatory. At the appointed time, if you have had no change of heart, the end process is put in motion. If you wish to have loved ones with you, they can be there. If you prefer to be alone, it's OK. They have a choice of CDs with music for you to play if you wish, or perhaps you choose to bring a favorite of your own. You lie peacefully on the bed and are gently administered some drug cocktail which will carry you painlessly away. I know Switzerland has something similar, but you have to have two doctors determine that you are terminal with some awful disease, or something like that. Why? Why can't I simply say, I've had enough. For whatever reason. I'm ready to go. I shouldn't have to explain or apologize. It's my life; now I'm ready for my death.

What worries a place, a process, like that would relieve us of, would it not? Oh I know I am portraying a very simplified version. There would of course need to be controls re: coercion, undue influence, minors and third parties, to name but a few. But we could do it. But we never will. Religion, alas stands firmly between us and my sincerely held vision of Utopia, or at least one aspect of it. I fear it always will.

October 2014


About the Author


I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 25 years.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Scars by Betsy


I can hear it now. “She will be scarred for life if she tries to live a lesbian life-style.” Had my mother not died as a young woman, had she been present when I came out, I believe this is what she might have said. Her mother, my grandmother well may have said this too. The two women had a great deal of influence on me as I was growing up. Neither knew I was homosexual as they both died well before I came out.

They may have been right in making that imaginary statement, however. We all have scars—physical and emotional or psychological. Growing up gay in a homophobic society will inevitably produce wounds. Even after wounds heal scars can be left as evidence of the damage.

I have some scars on my physical body as well as my psyche. Most people do. One I acquired early in life represents a wound caused when I lost control of my bicycle going about 20 MPH down a hill hitting a curb head on, and landing completely unconscious by a street lamp. I was rescued by my dentist who happened to be looking out his window when the accident happened. I had a bad cut on my face which had to be sown up by a surgeon. The scar is still visible, but barely.

I suppose analogous to that might be that I was born into a world which had no understanding, certainly no acceptance, of gays or lesbians—most certainly not of their lifestyles. One might say the accident was that I was born homosexual, but I don’t see that as an accident—just the way it is. There are most definitely scars left from being born into and living in this non-accepting environment. As I have written before I have a passion for the truth and a great respect for living honestly and with integrity. Yet I lived half my life in a life-style that was a lie.

It was not an unhappy time of life, but it was basically flawed. That flaw of the fraudulent lifestyle is the wound. The wound is now healed, but a scar reveals that there had been a wound—a wound caused by an accident?

While I’m making analogies, allow me one more. Another scar is in the middle of my lower back, about a 10 inch line right down my spine. The reason I have this scar is because I had pain brought on by spondylolisthesis. Because I had pain a surgeon cut into my back and treated the source of the pain. The corresponding scar in my psyche might be represented as the result of treating a deep emotional hurt. The pain in this case I see as the years of self denial and the fear of rejection brought about by my unwillingness to express my true self that resulted.

All in all I think it is safe to say some scars, probably most scars, are good. Why? Because they are the result of healing. They are what is left of a wound or an adverse condition which causes pain. A scar implies that a fix has been made. The wound cannot fester and the pain is just a memory.

It is said that one cannot remember pain. I translate that to: one cannot reproduce a former pain, however one can remember that a particular wound or experience was painful. In this case HOLD THAT THOUGHT. Living freely the life style of one’s choosing is a precious thing.

It can also be a precarious thing. Never to be taken for granted.


© 22 June 2015


Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change). She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

The Norm, by Will Stanton


Webster's dictionary lists several possible definitions for “the norm.”  Two of them are as follows: “Something that is usual or expected,” and “A widespread or usual practice.”  Based upon those two definitions, I certainly am not “the norm.”  Who knows why?  I'm sure it's mostly inborn.  Perhaps I have inherited more unusual genes, or perhaps I even have alien genes from some other planet.  All I know is that I certainly am not like, what seems to be, the usual American person.

To begin with, I can watch football - - - if I have to, but I never have become screamingly excited about the commercial mega-business of football where the NFL commissioner makes forty-four million dollars per year and has a special relationship with the owner of the Patriots who helped him get that job.  The local football franchise, win or lose, does not affect my life.  If they win, I don't receive a check, and I never have received an eleven million dollar signing bonus.  I just am not like, what appears to be, the majority of Americans who live and breathe football.  I'm not part of that norm.

I also never have felt inclined to riot after a game, becoming drunk, joining a mob in the streets at midnight, jumping on cars, and burning couches.  It happens so frequently, especially with young people, that it seems to be the norm, but I've never been part of it.

In contrast, for example, I enjoy diverse forms of music: jazz, bluegrass, folk; but I have an especially deep understanding and passionate love of serious music.  It's just part of me; I was born that way.  I don't have the physical capability to be a great pianist or superb singer, but I am capable of recognizing those relatively few, fortunate individuals who do have those gifts.  Also inborn, I have a natural aversion to that large percentage of painfully untalented rock-noisicians and screaming pop stars, those who have deluded themselves, along with huge mobs of fans, into believing that they have great musical talent.   I never have been part of those mindlessly enraptured and drug-intoxicated mobs.  I am not part of the norm.

I have a deep appreciation for innate quality as opposed to superficial value.  This is true with humans as well as material goods, architecture, and fine arts.  For example, the Wall-Street huckster who used eighty-seven million dollars of government bail-out money to refurbish his office does not garner my admiration, even when he looks good in two-thousand-dollar suits and drives a Ferrari.  It seems to me that most people are easily impressed with wealth and power.  I'm not; I'm not part of the norm.  There are people in this room with love in their hearts and who have credited themselves with acts of kindness whom I admire far more.

Over the years, we all have seen, far too often, examples of politicians and business people lying, cheating, and committing acts of character assassination.  Greed and corruption appear to be so prevalent that it now appears to be the norm.  I cannot be part of that norm; it's just not within me.  I could not be, what often is thought of as, the “successful business tycoon” because I do not have barracuda or shark blood.  I could not be an influential politician because, the moment I tried manipulating people or lying, I'd turn green and throw up.

Oh, I know that there are good people, people whom I would admire if I met them and some that I have met and do appreciate.  They may not be the majority of the world's population, but there must be a good number of them.  Separate them out from the masses, let them stand alone, and I'd be comfortable being part of their norm.

© 30 January 2015 

About the Author 



 I have had a life-long fascination with people and their life stories.  I also realize that, although my own life has not brought me particular fame or fortune, I too have had some noteworthy experiences and, at times, unusual ones.  Since I joined this Story Time group, I have derived pleasure and satisfaction participating in the group.  I do put some thought and effort into my stories, and I hope that you find them interesting. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Acting by Ricky


All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.



Did I mewl as an infant? Of course. All infants do; but I refused to puke “in the nurse's arms,” because I had class even as an infant. Because I had class, I only burped up on my parents.



Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school.



As a schoolboy I never carried a satchel, just a binder and a handful of books. Those were the days before backpacks became popular to carry school supplies. Naturally, I never, never whined about school; only about having to walk 5 miles to school and back in 3 feet of snow, uphill--both ways. Even then that was only to my children not other school mates and only for those times I missed the school bus.



And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow.


Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Down here you fool. The ladder broke.

(I'm just playing my part as the group's smart alec.)



I must admit I was hot with passion to and for my female better half and my coming out was quite woeful but I just couldn't put it into a ballad. Somehow singing, “I'll be coming out the closet when I come. I'll be coming out the closet when I come,” just didn't seem appropriate. Unfortunately, while my ladder still works, it just doesn't reach the balcony anymore.



Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard, 

Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth.



I hold that being an officer in the Air Force is better than being a soldier, at least comfort wise. In any case, we did take an oath and we couldn't have beards “like the pard.” (A “pard” is a literary noun meaning a leopard or panther.) There is much emphasis on honor in the military and in-fighting or back-stabbing among members who should be cooperating with each other is also common. Even when facing the “cannon's mouth” soldiers will defy logic and do the most selfless and heroic deeds but not to advance their reputations; that honor goes to the leaders who order men into foolish battles.



And then the justice 
In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part.


I'm not sure my children would agree that I ever meted out justice. They would agree about the round belly but the “fair” part is questionable. My eyes are not severe (unless I'm angry) and once again I have no beard--this week. My wise saws are mostly interpreted to be wise cracks, but I do play my part.



The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.



I've definitely arrived in this age but still passing through. I wear slippers and also wear sleep-pants which in my opinion can pass for pantaloons here. Clearly I wear spectacles on my nose but my pouch is a paunch and is in front. My youthful hose I abandoned long ago when they began to smell up the house. Fortunately, I've not lost my big manly voice, yet and I'm not looking forward to it either.


Last scene of all, 
That ends this strange eventful history, 
Is second childishness and mere oblivion, 
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.


I'm not sure I ever left my first childishness but when I get to the “last scene,” I suspect that I will not be in any condition to recognize it -- or any other actors still on stage with me.

© 29 Mar 2012


About the Author


I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.
When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Wisdom of LGBT Identity, by Phillip Hoyle


Cecelia started it when she told me about a book she wanted me to teach. The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron was no ordinary book but, rather, a spiritual process of self-examination, exercises, and disciplines to help the reader overcome barriers to self-expression as an artist. The content and activities were meant for writers, visual artists, performers, and just about anyone who wanted to explore his or her own artistic bent. I was skeptical, but Cecelia was persistent. Agreeing to share the task of facilitating the thirteen sessions, we settled on an approach that seemed well balanced.

A group of writers, poets, painters, illustrators, sculptors, musicians, and educators—all members of the church where I worked—assembled that first night. They received their copies of the book and listened patiently as we explained the process for both the group and the individual participants. The work focused daily on the infamous “Morning Pages,” periodically on completing short writing and art exercises, and weekly on “Artist Dates.” Oh, we read the book, too, and met each week to share our work, objections, pains, elation, pasts, and dreams.

What Cecelia knew and I hoped would happen did occur. We changed our views of ourselves, our appreciation of one another, and our ability to engage in creative work. Due to our weeks together, our lives have continued to change to this day.

For example, some seventeen years later I am still writing my three hand-written, first-thing-in-the-morning pages. I have been writing and painting on a regular basis. I know others have as well. Since that time I have led several other groups through Cameron’s process, often sharing the leadership with others as Cecelia taught me. People are still changing. But the most unexpected change occurred in me, and it wasn’t directly related to seeing myself as an artist.

The child, the inner child, a concept with which I was familiar, showed up prominently in The Artists Way. I had always been slightly put off by the concept, not because it made no sense, but because I heard it used so trivially so often. I read Cameron critically and did not find her explications very enlightening, but I did respond to her process. As a teacher I had pledged myself to engage fully in the process the book proffered. I answered all the questions the author posed, made all the lists she asked for, and on Artist Dates took my inner child to the museums, through parks, down streets of mansions, to mountain meadows, streams and caves, into paper shops, hardware stores and artist supply companies just like the writer instructed. During our times together I recalled many childhood scenes. Somehow Cameron showed me that my inner child is not just some kind of memory of past events but that I am still all that I have ever been at whatever age: confident or afraid, victorious or at a loss, praised or put down.

So I got reacquainted with my inner child’s hurt even though the idea seemed corny. Then I wrote about my fifth grade teacher who derided my Purple Cow illustration but offered me no help with my drawing. I was embarrassed and convinced I couldn’t draw. Two years later I enrolled in seventh grade woodshop instead of the art class I really wanted. But in shop I discovered I couldn’t do the projects very well not being strong enough to control the awkward tools I had to use. My only really fine work that year was the design I burned in the wooden bookends I made. I wrote about these things in the exercises and in my Morning Pages and grew more and more to love my hurt inner artist child.

The more Artist Dates I went on the more artistic and the more gay I got! That’s when I remembered the comment a gay friend of mine said about my work in religious education. “It’s more like art than education,” he observed. I trusted the judgment of this fellow minister, educator, and artist but felt confused. Looking critically into my own experience I finally realized what was right about his analysis, that my play with religious ideas, symbols, and characters was enacted through art forms. And then I started to wonder if my fifth grade teacher was wrong. I quit planning art processes for children and began doing them for myself.

Cameron’s process expanded. She wanted us to costume on our Artist Dates wearing artsy clothes—surely black outfits with berets and scarves. She encouraged us to hang around with other artists. She suggested we introduce ourselves as artists. In so doing, she opened my imagination by encouraging an identity. In my response I discovered that not only was the artist child wounded in me but the gay child as well.

Then the goofy New Age intruded. Cameron wanted us to make affirmations, to write over and over certain sentences. I did so even though I hated doing it. But how else does one learn? I still write one of these sentences, still slightly irritated because, I’m sure, I hear a writing teacher saying not to write in the first person and because to me the affirmation seems exaggerated, not exactly true. Stifling my objections I write: “I, Phillip Hoyle, am a brilliant and prolific artist.” The first time I encountered it, I simply filled in the blank with my name, first and last, just as she instructed. Then I started writing it at the end of the Morning Pages sometimes as an additional page of mantra-like affirmations, at other times to fill out the third page when I felt like I was running out of time or ideas to write.

What I learned through identifying myself as an artist transformed me. I sought out other artists. I laughed when I dressed in black like our church organist. I continued the artist dates long after the thirteen weeks ended. I continued to write the Morning Pages. And the more I did all these exercises, I found my artistic intertwined with my gay. I was doubly identified. My hurt artist child was always an artist and was always gay. That’s me.

My mantra now included this: I am Phillip Hoyle. I am an artist. AND I am gay. I was always an artist, and I was always gay.

The advantage of this identity? I was able to change my life knowing a community of acceptance, understanding, and living. A way to see myself. A structure of self-acceptance and understanding. A way to find friends. The wisdom of LGBTQA coalition identity. Something more than politics. Rather the creation of a world-view of inclusion, tolerance, acceptance, relationship, and growth within diversity.

© Denver, 2012



About the Author 

  
Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.”


Friday, August 7, 2015

Aw, Shucks, by Lewis


The summer of 1954 is now being set down in the history of my life as the worst summer of my entire worldly existence.  Not only did I contract ringworm of the scalp on a family vacation to the East Coast that summer, heretofore already recounted in this forum, but I tried to crack a rock with my head, as well.
Here's how it went down--literally.  Granddad Homer had just presented me with my first bicycle, complete with training wheels.  I was eight years old and ready for the next leap in mode of transportation beyond relying solely on the soles of my feet.  So, I joined a couple of older boys who were riding their bikes in the street in front of my house.  Not yet comfortable with the dynamics of bike riding, I suddenly found my path cut off by one of the other boys and, rather than collide with him, I steered into the curb.  Aw, shucks!
Upon impact, I was thrown off my bike headfirst into a flood-control ditch four feet below the street surface.  Aw, shucks!  My forehead collided with a piece of broken concrete.  Aw, shucks!  I will never forget the odd feeling I had after taking a blow to the head--not so much pain, as a feeling of stupor or disconnectedness.  I was bleeding and my parents took me to a doctor.  I was expecting to get stitched but instead the doc used metal staples to hold my wound shut.  Aw, shucks!  He also gave me a tetanus shot.  This resulted in the second-worst "Aw, shucks!"  of that star-crossed summer.
The next day, my family embarked upon their annual vacation trek to the mountains of Colorado.  That first night in the cabin, I started to feel really crappy.  I was nauseous and feverish and couldn't sleep.  Neither could my parents or grandfather.  Turns out that I was having an allergic reaction to the tetanus shot, which was derived from a serum made from horses.  Aw, shucks!  Our vacation was cut short and we headed home.  Aw, shucks!  To this day, I always think of this story when I'm asked by a medical professional if I have any allergies to medications, even though horses as the source of vaccine against tetanus has long been abandoned.  For which, I'm sure horses everywhere are grateful.

© 6 April 2015 

About the Author 
  

I came to the beautiful state of Colorado out of my native Kansas by way of Michigan, the state where I married and I came to the beautiful state of Colorado out of my native Kansas by way of Michigan, the state where I married and had two children while working as an engineer for the Ford Motor Company. I was married to a wonderful woman for 26 happy years and suddenly realized that life was passing me by. I figured that I should make a change, as our offspring were basically on their own and I wasn't getting any younger. Luckily, a very attractive and personable man just happened to be crossing my path at that time, so the change-over was both fortuitous and smooth.

Soon after, I retired and we moved to Denver, my husband's home town. He passed away after 13 blissful years together in October of 2012. I am left to find a new path to fulfillment. One possibility is through writing. Thank goodness, the SAGE Creative Writing Group was there to light the way.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Death Genes, by Gillian


Our very own favorite quote-maker, Benjamin Franklin, held that death and taxes were the only certainties ....... in ...... well ...... life. Sorry Ben, but that's not quite right. Many many people escape taxes by fair means and foul; legal and illegal. I have never yet known, nor even heard of, anyone escaping death.

It comes, inevitably, to us all.

When we are young it's something, though inevitable for sure, that happens to other people; the old, the sick, the careless, the unfortunate. But not to us. Oh, sure, some day. But not now.

As we age, that inevitability looms larger. It no longer peeps over a distant horizon but leaps up on the front porch, like some Halloween specter, yelling, "Booooo!" It hides, ready to jump out at us, in our TV, mailbox, newspaper and telephone. It lurks around every corner. With the death of every loved one, friend, casual acquaintance, or even that celebrity who seems always to have been there, it comes closer.

They say that the death of your second parent is one of the most traumatic events in life: loss squared. I have no argument with that. Suddenly bereft; orphaned. Oh yes, that must be dreadful when you're six. But it's not a whole lot better when you're sixty-six. It hurts like hell. You are left with no-one who knew you that well or for that long. It's like someone cut off your leg, and you had to start all over again learning how to walk. You have to start all over again learning how to live, cut adrift in reality. That's how it felt to me, anyway.

And then, suddenly, it seems, it's almost time for your turn.

And, after all, death doesn't seem so bad. Even if you have no religion, or perhaps because you do, death remains a mystery; but not such a very scary one. Unless, perhaps, you truly believe in Hell Fire and Damnation, in which case it must be just terrifying. But for me, anyway, simply facing the Great Unknown is really no scarier than getting on a plane headed for some place I've never been before and have no idea what to expect.

A shrug. A nap.

"Oh, well. We'll find out when we get there."

At this stage, I think, most of us do not really fear death itself, but rather the manner of our dying. Please, we scream inside our heads to a God we may or not believe in, don't let me get something like Lou Gehrig's Disease, fully cognizant, feeling death come piece by agonizing piece. On the other hand, please don't let me have alzheimer's and lose that very cognizance.

In their eighties, my parents became the worst possible combination. My father was physically fit as a fiddle, but had dementia. My mother was smart as a tack but had, after a broken hip, been confined to a wheelchair. They were rendered totally incapable of looking out for each other, and ended up in separate wings of the same nursing home.

But, in the end, I have damn good death genes.
My dad died first; peacefully, in his sleep, as the phrase goes, but in his case it was true, or so they assured me. He had suffered little, physically, and somewhere in the night his heart had simply stopped.

My mother, a couple of years later, was awoken as she was every day, by an assistant serving her morning cup of tea in bed. (Do I need to remind you that this is a Nursing Home in England?)

When they returned to get the cup, it was empty and Mum was dead. What a way to go!

She looked so at peace, the undertaker told me. Of course, he was a lifelong friend, so he might have been saying what I wanted to hear, but I choose not to think so.

My very best hope is that I might emulate my mother's death, though I have a longtime recovering-alcoholic friend who says it's more likely that in my case I will swig a pint and then fall off my barstool.

Whatever!  As long as it's swift and sudden.  And for that I have very good genes!

© 13 October 2014 

About the Author 

 I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 25 years.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Writing is Like a Gondola Ride, by Carlos


Writing is an Exploration. You start from nothing
and learn as you go….E. L. Doctorow

Last week when my husband Ron and I first boarded the Venetian-inspired gondola intent on riding the canals of Fort Lauderdale, I felt a bit self-conscious. After all, we are not overt crusaders of gay rights, instead changing the world one grain of sand at a time. Yet, here we were about to draft a testament declaring our emancipation. As sole passengers of our flat-bottomed boat decked out in sensuous cushions, billowing curtains, and floral bouquets, we were making an emotive and political statement about our right to love as our gondolier guided us through the circuitous waterways. Tito, our gondolier, greeted us warmly, taking pictures of the happy couple as we smiled in romantic bliss, I probably smiling more like a shy bridegroom than a well-seasoned lover. At the table next to a divan in which we reclined, we laid out a feast, cold English ginger ale, honeyed matzo crackers, a disc of Boursin cheese flecked with cracked black pepper, and strawberries with sensuous nipples begging to be tongued, nibbled and devoured. Having requested classical romantic music, Chopin, Debussy, Rachmaninoff, I soon discovered that the music wafted out into the canals and walkways, enrapturing the world around us with love’s hymns. We made an adorable couple, as we lounged and fed each other blissfully, basking in the gentle heartbeats of lyrical watery refrains. 

The gentle waves beneath us gurgled in a rhythmical flow as they massed and fell like the breathing of my beloved sleeping under a field of stars keeping watch. The gondola sliced through the water slow and steady, its bow knifing through the glassy reflection and creating undulating waves measuring a beat out to shore. The sound of the waters kissing the shoreline commingled with the soft strains of piano and violins billowing around us. We nuzzled against each other, toasting our relationship like a candle flame damning the night as we drifted off into inner worlds so infrequently traversed. Visually, we could not get enough of Camelot; with every turn, we were met by tiered pagodas crowned with brass finials, red-tiled Mediterranean villas, and by expansive lush grounds populated by strutting peafowl, colorful Muscovy ducks, and oblivious loons sauntering amidst Eden. Although I subconsciously rebelled at the ostentatious wealth surrounding me, where money built empires on the backs of the working class, at this particular moment in time, I decided to suspend my political sensibilities, recognizing that my own feet are often unwashed.

Around us, the scarlet pendants of flamboyant blossoms dangled from leafy canopies like ruby earrings worn by a royal Persian bride, contrasting with the rosy fingers of the tenderly setting sun in the horizon. When the sea breezes tickled them, coconut palms sashayed in unison, like a well-syncopated troupe performing a choreographed repertoire. We drifted through the sun-dappled canals, surrounded by a Crayola calliope of rainbow colors, citron, Bahama water blues, egg yolk yellows, and the ever present shades of island paradise greens.

In the downtown section of the canals, boatloads of tourists shared the waterway with us. On the river walk, they sauntered along the meandering sidewalks graced by restaurants, art galleries, and parkways. Ron and I noticed numerous interesting, but for the most part gratifying, reactions to our presence in the slow-moving gondola as we cuddled and kissed openly. Certainly, we were not attempting to be the standard of a gay couple in love. We simply sought our rightful place as two men standing before the altar of history.  Some people, especially older men with paunchy bellies and Republican scowls on their face, simply ignored us as though choosing to deny our presence by cloaking themselves in the vestments of moral indignation. Some just gawked at us with an incredulous did-we-really-see-what-we-thought-we-saw open-mouthed gape. However, most, and especially the millennial generation, smiled and waved at us, clearly conveying that despite the Scalias and Alitos slithering under their rocks, despite homophobic political and religious ideologues, America is changing. Violators of human rights may continue to reject our rights to love, refusing to condone our way of life to justify their holier-than-thou prejudices, but America is evolving as it comes to recognize that I love him and he loves me, and that’s all that matters. Fortune has sided with those who dare!

Writing is the equivalent of a gay couple gliding on a gondola scrutinized by the world. Writing requires courage and conviction. It requires standing up against the fear that we will divulge too much of our souls, placing ourselves in a position of being misunderstood, judged, rejected. When we write, we open ourselves up to the eyes of others, never knowing whether our creation, our lives, our authentic voices will be validated or whether reviewers’ accusations will have us shrivel up, becoming small and voiceless. Thus, to be a writer requires taking risks, recognizing that fear has the potential to open up new venues, new worlds, new ideals for the writer as well as for those fortunate enough to be a part of the sacred journey. A writer needs to unleash her/his fears, embrace his identity, and glide, not necessarily fearlessly, but with conviction that only when he is true to himself, will others smile back and be transformed. The writer himself shall be transformed. He will give himself permission to sit on a beach and witness the rising of the sun; he will recline upon the earth and in a blade of grass commune with the cosmos as it unfolds majestically before him; he will dance with the stars above him, and know that he originated from some deep longing out there, as well as within him. Writers do not work in a vacuum. We are aware of the coconut palms’ calypso waltzes, of the droplets of water that nourish the countless ancestors of our pasts as well as the progeny of our futures. As Toni Morrison wrote, “all water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was.”  As a writer, I capture, awkward and unevolved as it may be, a moment of time, a beam of sunlight glistening on the surface, a coiled blossom whose epicenter holds intangible truths. I am a wayfarer blissfully celebrating as I glide  down the currents that are but a Mobius strip of eternity. Writers are listeners and observers and thus responsible for capturing moments that will dissipate as quickly as a lifetime, but in surrendering to those moments, our explorations come to an end, and we arrive where we started, recognizing the point where it all began. Like all artists and philosophers, we embrace what and where we are, we face our fears, swim the currents, and remind our fellow wayfarers that we are all enlightened mediators on the canals in which we are carried. Therefore, if my good reader will excuse me, I will return to the embrace of my beloved word, knowing that the journey begins with a cadenced breath.

© 27 July 2015 – Denver

About the Author 

Cervantes wrote, “I know who I am and who I may choose to be.”  In spite of my constant quest to live up to this proposition, I often falter.  I am a man who has been defined as sensitive, intuitive, and altruistic, but I have also been defined as being too shy, too retrospective, too pragmatic.  Something I know to be true. I am a survivor, a contradictory balance of a realist and a dreamer, and on occasions, quite charming.  Nevertheless, I often ask Spirit to keep His arms around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth.  My heroes range from Henry David Thoreau to Sheldon Cooper, and I always have time to watch Big Bang Theory or Under the Tuscan Sun.  I am a pragmatic romantic and a consummate lover of ideas and words, nature and time.  My beloved husband and our three rambunctious cocker spaniels are the souls that populate my heart. I could spend the rest of my life restoring our Victorian home, planting tomatoes, and lying under coconut palms on tropical sands.  I believe in Spirit, and have zero tolerance for irresponsibility, victim’s mentalities, political and religious orthodoxy, and intentional cruelty.  I am always on the look-out for friends, people who find that life just doesn’t get any better than breaking bread together and finding humor in the world around us.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Pushing the Buttons, by Betsy


One thing that pushes my buttons is deception and dishonesty.
This is about pushing MY buttons when I am pushing the buttons of my computer.

There is some excellent honest reporting and investigative work done in the media. But all too often the words deception and dishonesty bring to mind t certain media sources and motives behind publishing certain bits of information.

The internet is such a great source of instant information.  Put in a search word and in a nano-second you have more information than you ever needed.  Often more information than you know what to do with. Sifting through it can be daunting.  Can you trust that the information is true?  To separate the reliable from the suspicious, I apply this criterion: what or who is the source and are they trying to sell me something or promote a product or service.  If the answer is “yes” I toss it out as untrustworthy.   The motive for putting the information out there is to get me to buy something, not to disseminate information that could be helpful or to help get to the truth, or to advance someone’s knowledge.

 To report and promote the truth simply for the sake of truth itself is a noble cause.  Most people, organizations, and corporations have ulterior motives for promoting their “truth.”   If this is the case when I am searching the internet I cannot trust the information I am reading.

We are all familiar with some of the books promoting certain diets--often promoted as cure-alls for what ever ails you.  For example the vegan diet will keep your heart healthy well into old-age.  It can actually reverse heart disease and diabetes claim its authors.  The Paleo diet of meat and vegetables, no grains, no starch will keep you from ever getting any disease at all.  I truly believe the authors of these books are sincere and I know they are scientific in their research and presentations of the facts they have determined to be true.  But I also know they cannot all be touting the truth. The research they have done and they will continue to do is going to be exclusively designed to support their truth, not destroy it.

 I cannot say enough on the subject of the media and its lack of trustworthiness.  Many mainstream TV programs claim to be reporting the news.  But some are actually making political comments at the expense of the truth.  The truth all too often never gets out until it is too late.  Even if the true story is reported, we still must be very suspicious as to whether it is accurate.

Consider the now known fact that the Iraq war was based on a lie.  The people and the news media were told that Saddam Hussein had WMD’s.  We had proof.  Our government reported this information unequivocally knowing that it was not true and the media passed it on.  Yes, the media did report the lie accurately.  And then later reported accurately that it all was a lie, but some Watergate-type investigative reporting might have been very useful at that time.   

So how do we know what to believe or not believe.  People often select one belief over another because they WANT to believe it.  This turns out to be simply a case of self-deception.  Try changing the mind of a person who has deceived himself into believing what he wants to believe.  I personally know very few people who behave this way.  I suppose that’s because I prefer to hang with people who value the truth and the ability to think, and choose to use that ability when searching for the truth.

So when it comes to pushing the buttons on my lap-top or getting my buttons pushed I try to evaluate as I am reading or listening, I avoid Fox so-called news, and pick and choose the reporters I read or listen to.


© 23 June 2014

About the Author  



Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change).  She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years.  Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning.  Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren.  Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Scars, by Will Stanton


Like each of us, I have suffered, throughout my years, scars, some physical and some emotional.  I have accumulated scars resulting from incidents of injury, cancer, unwarranted personal attacks, emotional abuse, dishonesty, greed, and lack of common human decency.  Frankly, I'd rather not dwell upon them.  Dredging up those memories is very uncomfortable for me.

There is something else about me that people should come to understand.   There is something about me that has made me, throughout my life, particularly sensitive to the misfortune of others.  I understand their hurt; I empathize with their plight; I can imagine walking in their shoes.  I am prone to feeling regret and sorrow; and I tend not to forget.  I wish more people were like that.  In addition, the traumatic incident need not be a recent one.  I know something about history; and, unfortunately, history is replete with sorrow.  Yes, those incidents happened a long time ago; and, no, they did not happen to me.  However, I still wish that those so many sad incidents never had happened, especially when they have happened to the young, those who had too short a time to experience the world, to grow, to live.
     
Let me relate one such incident that, when I heard it told to me and my family, surprised and saddened me.  It is a remarkable experience of mine when I was ten years old.  For those of you who were in this group two years ago, you may recall that I briefly mentioned this episode in my story about my time in Europe.  This time, I would like to go into greater detail to clarify the impact this incident had upon me.  The two persons suffering deep scars were two former soldiers, one Canadian, one German.  The very end of this story is the main point, a coincidence that is most amazing.  I never have forgotten that moment.

In 1954 through '55, my dad was an exchange-teacher doing research in Germany.  Our family went with him, living and traveling throughout Europe during that time.  I recall one sunny afternoon when we sat at an outdoor café while my dad talked with several young men who now were exchange-students.  One man in particular (I'll call him “Tom,” for I do not remember his name) stated that he originally was from Canada and had fought, along with the Canadian and British troops, on the beaches of Normandy and onward, trying to capture Caen.  He began to relate at length his experiences, unforeseen experiences that had left a deep, emotional scar; for he just could not forget what happened.  He had been prepared to fight German soldiers, but he was not psychologically prepared to fight children.

I never forgot Tom's poignant tale.  I became perplexed about Germany's immoral use and waste of young people, throwing them into battle during Germany's inevitable collapse and defeat.  Recently, I wished to understand more about Tom's having to battle boy-soldiers.

Under Nazi rule, joining the Hitlerjugend became compulsory.  From an early age, obedience and fanaticism were drilled into them.  The children's mothers were inundated with propaganda to assure that this indoctrination continued at home.  Boys as young as nine received paramilitary training.  This was the only world-view these youngsters had.  Consequently, most did not perceive the insanity of sending children to war.

Not all parents or children wished to have anything to do with the Hitler Youth.  Punishment for noncooperation was swift and harsh.  The Gestapo could arrest parents and send them to concentration camps.  There even were reports of some SS officers using compulsion to force boys to sign up as so-called volunteers.  Boys would be held in locked rooms without contact with their parents, and denied food, water and toilet facilities until they signed.  Others, some members of the regular army complained, had been physically beaten into submission.

Some parents and boys, of course, were “true-believers,” and boys eagerly joined.  Those whom the authorities judged to possess special qualities were invited to enter into the élite NAPOLA schools (Nationalpolitische Lehranstalt, National Political Institution of Teaching).  Those boys likely felt proud of their handsome uniforms and their own Solingen-steel daggers.  Along with a steady dose of political propaganda, they received regular military training, all under the guise of “playing games.”  They had no idea of what lay before them.



Since Germany's defeat at Stalingrad in 1943, Germany faced defeat after defeat with tens of thousands of soldiers killed or captured.  In desperation, the authorities began to rely upon underage boys to fill the gap.  One such division, sent to the front just before the Normandy invasion, was the 12th SS Hitlerjugend Division, made up boys mostly fifteen to eightteen, although many were younger.  For example, when captured, Willy Eischenberg was just fourteen and Hubert Heinrichs only ten years old. 

Willy Etschenberg 14, Hubert Heinrichs 10 Oct 1944
In place of the traditional tobacco ration, these boy-soldiers received candy, and in place of the beer ration, they received milk, if and when it was available. Otherwise, they trained hard to fight like adult SS men.  I consider war and violence in all forms to be evil, let alone warping young minds toward fighting wars. 

The Allies, with their overwhelmingly superior air power, attacked repeatedly to take the area around Caen and eventually the city itself.  26,000 tons of bombs were dropped on the old city, crushing it to rubble.  The remnants of two German armies were trapped around Falaise and attempted to break out, but they needed a rear guard.  Sixty of the 12th Hitlerjugend Division were given that suicidal task and took positions in the École Superieure.  Firepower from attacking soldiers and artillery constantly bombarded the young defenders.  The boys, however, refused to retreat.  Of the sixty, only two, chosen as messengers, survived.

Once the Allied soldiers discovered that they were fighting just kids, they were surprised and shocked.  Yet, the ferocity of the boys astounded the allied forces.  One British tank commander recalled how Hitler Youth soldiers had sprung at Allied tanks "- - - like young wolves, until we were forced to kill them against our will."  Their fearlessness and determination reportedly was explained by their training in the NAPOLA schools, along with their bitterness regarding the massive Allied bombing of civilians in their homes and cities.

From June 7th through July 9th, the combined 12th Hitlerjugend Division lost more than 4,000 dead and 8,000 wounded or missing.  Even the replacement division commander, Kurt Meyer, wrote down his feelings of dismay and sorrow.  “That, which l now experienced, was not war any more, but naked murder.  I knew every one of these boys. - - These boys had not yet learned how to live; but, God knows, they knew how to die!  The crushing chains of the tanks ended their young lives.  Tears rolled over my face."  A few days later, Field Marshal von Rundstedt lamented, “It is a shame that these faithful youth were being sacrificed in a hopeless cause.'' Erwin Rommel made similar remarks shortly before he was forced to commit suicide.

Later, an Allied soldier found an undelivered letter on the body of a youth, killed in the battle.  The boy had expressed the feelings of many of the division's boys: "I write during one of the momentous hours before we attack, full of excitement and expectation of what the next days will bring. - - - Some believe in living, but life is not everything!  It is enough to know that we attack and will throw the enemy from our homeland.  It is a holy task.  Above me is the terrific noise of rockets and artillery, the voice of war."




That is what I learned about the young soldiers whom Tom faced around Caen and Falaise.  When he discovered whom he was fighting, when he saw the slaughter, he was shocked.  Yet, the memory which most disturbed Tom, the memory that left such a long-term emotional scar, was the scene of backing some of the tattered remains of the Hitlerjugend into the river.  He and his fellow soldiers stood on the bank, picking off every fighter they could see.
The whole point of this story, the one that I could not forget, is what happened next as Tom finished his sad tale. He ended by saying, “We didn't stop firing until we saw no more figures in the water.  I don't think any of them survived.”  At that point, a young man, sitting alone at a nearby table, quietly turned to our group and stated simply, “I did.”

 All of us at our table sat in stunned silence.  After we recovered from our initial shock, my father spoke to the person and discovered that, as a young teen, he had been a member of the 12th Hitlerjugend Division and had barely reached the other side of the river as all his friends perished in a hail of bullets.  Tom's scar, or that other young man’s scar, were not my scar; yet I was deeply moved by what I had just heard.  Not a scar, but the sad memory of that day, shall remain with me forever.                                                       © 27 May 2015

Scars: Postscript, Battle of the Bulge
(as told by Joseph Robertson at age 86)




Those remaining boys who survived the fighting around Caen regrouped to fight in the Battle of the Bulge.  American infantryman Joseph Robertson fought against them.  One incident in particular left him with a deep, life-long scar.  He was interviewed at age 86, when he told his story in his own words.

“I was hid behind the big tree that was knocked down or fallen, and I could see these Germans in the woods across this big field.  And, I saw this young kid crawling up a ditch straight towards my tree.  So I let him crawl.  I didn't fire at him.  But, when he got up within three or four foot of me, I screamed at him to surrender.  And instead of surrendering, he started to pull his gun towards me, which was instant death for him.  But, this young man, he was blond, blue eyes, fair skin, so handsome.  He was like a little angel.  But, I still had to shoot him.  And, it didn't bother me the first night because I went to sleep, and I was so tired.  But, the second night, I woke up crying because that kid was there.  And to this day, I wake up many nights crying over this kid.  I still see him in my dreams and I don't know how to get him off my mind.”

Those dreams, that scar, haunted Joseph Robertson for sixty-five years until his death at age ninety in 2009.


© 27 May 2015 

About the Author  

I have had a life-long fascination with people and their life stories.  I also realize that, although my own life has not brought me particular fame or fortune, I too have had some noteworthy experiences and, at times, unusual ones.  Since I joined this Story Time group, I have derived pleasure and satisfaction participating in the group.  I do put some thought and effort into my stories, and I hope that you find them interesting.