Here are thoughts of a fourteen year old high school girl in 1950 or so.
Mind you, this conversation with herself never took place on a conscious level. I know, however it took place unconsciously and remained festering in her psyche into adulthood.
“I know I’m supposed to get excited about being with boys but I just can’t help myself. I really want to be with girls especially Ann. Talk about getting excited. My palms get sweaty every time she comes my way. My heart is pounding in my chest. I want to make an impression on her. What I really want is to go out with her. What I really, really want is to go steady with her. She thinks I just want to be friends, and we are friends. But I want so much more. I want to be closer to her than friends.
“Yet I know this is a fantasy. Worse, I can’t tell my parents about my feelings, my true feelings. I know from things I have heard that they would probably not take me seriously, and dismiss the subject, and tell me never to mention it again. They would not only dismiss the subject, they would dismiss me. If I persisted in telling them who I really am, they would probably punish me. They might even reject me. They mean well, but they want me to pretend to be someone I am not. I know that if I do not do just that I will be punished or even rejected. That hurts a lot.
“Telling my friends is just as scary. It is not an option, just as telling my parents is not an option. I won’t tell my friends because I want to be accepted. I want to go to parties and dances. Being an outcast would be unbearable for me, even if it means pretending to have feelings I don’t have.”
This monologue never took place in my conscious mind. I probably did not have enough experience in life to have the insight to know that I was choosing to pretend to be someone I was not. But I did have enough knowledge to choose a path that would ensure my acceptance which apparently was more important to me then than expressing my true nature.
A wise person is a person who has both knowledge and experience AND the ability to apply those qualities in daily life. Lacking the experience ingredient is likely the reason I did not come out until I was nearly fifty years old. As I was growing up and as a young adult, I had the knowledge that to identify as homosexual was unacceptable for me. That is IDENTIFYING as homosexual was not an option. It was years later that it became clear to me that to BE homosexual is not in the realm of choices one makes. To behave or not to behave as such is the choice.
As I grew older I learned from experience that to not identify as that which I am, can be devastating, depressing in the medical sense of the word, ie, causing clinical depression, or a myriad of other health problems to say nothing of the behavioral problems and addictions rampant in our community brought on by denying one’s true identity. By mid-life I had the knowledge and the experience to know that to remain in that state of denial of myself would be devastating to my well being.
The wisdom of identifying as lesbian became abundantly clear.
Today there are still many parents who do not accept their gay children as well as others who are not parents who are not accepting of LGBTs in society. But many parents and others who have increased their knowledge and have opened their eyes are accepting--far more than 60 years ago.
One reason for the great strides that have been made towards this acceptance is that many LGBT people have had the courage and the wisdom to not pretend, and to choose to come out of the closet and live out their true identity publicly and without apology or shame. This attitude has not come easily for many. And for some the acceptance of our own identity has come later in life. But then, unlike our sexual orientation, we are not born with knowledge and we are not born with experience. Wisdom must be acquired over time. Is that not what makes wisdom so valuable?
Denver, 2012
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