My Favorite Fantasy by Betsy

Contemplating this subject I find myself coming up with things I wish for -- things I may be striving for. Then, I realize a wish is different from a fantasy. Wishing is imagining something that COULD happen, something likely or probable. Fantasizing is imagining something unlikely or improbable or impossible. That’s the dictionary’s definition. I’m going to throw in another qualification: A fantasy involves repeated imagining and something that you hope will just miraculously happen -- not something toward which one slowly progresses.

There are many things I would wish for that I know will never happen -- I guess that makes it a fantasy -- such as, I would love to have an exceptional ability for mathematics or an exceptional talent for writing or a smidgeon of artistic ability. More than that I would love to be able to perform on a musical instrument, particularly the piano. Quite often I picture myself conducting a symphony orchestra. Mostly I dream of having an opera quality coloratura soprano voice or a powerful mezzo or alto voice and performing on the concert stage.

My fantasies at this phase of my life are different from fantasies I’ve had at other times in my life. When I first came out and before I came out, I fantasized some about sex -- with a woman. Also just about being WITH a woman. I guess I would have to call this a wish by the above definition, since it turned out the reality of it happening was not impossible or even improbable.

At this stage of my life and now that I am at peace with my wishes I have to say that my favorite fantasy always involves the performance of music -- as a singer, as a pianist, or as an orchestra conductor.

It seems my music fantasies are triggered when I am listening to some music or more often after I have heard some music.

Now conducting can be done anywhere, almost anytime. Sometimes if music is playing -- in my head, on the car radio, or otherwise -- I can’t help myself. My arms just start flying, waving in the air. I have to restrain myself when I get carried away when driving in traffic. Other drivers can mistake my gestures and think I’m flipping them off.

I have practiced conducting so much, I think I would really be good directing the Colorado Symphony Orchestra. And by the way,Marin agrees.

Back to my favorite fantasy -- singing. I never sing out loud in my fantasy. That doesn’t work because out loud I can’t produce the desired sound. I always hear myself singing in my head -- and I must say I sound beautiful.

Like this.

(play music)

Even in the shower.

The problem I have with reproducing Kiri Te Kanawa singing arias from the Marriage of Figaro is that I don’t have the words down. So more often I will hear myself singing like Leontyne Price.

(more music)

with easier words.

Most often I sing la, la ,la. But who cares. In my fantasy I’m the only one who can hear it.

© 11/14/13

About the Author

Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change). She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.