I was married once. It lasted for 27-years and 9-months until she passed away from complications of breast cancer on 15 September 2001. During the years we had together, we found peace, joy, love, companionship, comforting, support, advice, acceptance, hope, security, solutions, and problems to overcome. In other words, we were best friends.
We had four children, three girls, and one boy all of whom turned out to be decent people. During their growing up years, our family did many things together. My military work schedule did not always make it easy to plan for family outings, but we made it work. We took weekday or weekend trips to nearby tourist sites wherever we lived. Included in the activities were trips to children themed museums, movie theaters, parks, bowling alleys, camping, and ShowBiz Pizza. When I had my annual 30-day leave, we would go to “exotic” places like Disney World, Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Lettuce Lake, Lake Tahoe, Tucson, Gulf Coast Beaches, the Redwood Forest along US Highway 1, The Donut Store, Fjords Ice Cream Store, Storybook Island, and Waterton National Park in Canada.
Deborah and I always supported the children in whatever appropriate activities they wanted to try. Before we even had our first child, we decided that our home would always be open to their friends and available for use for parties and other activities. (That way we would always know where they were and what they were up to.)
Deborah and I came from family situations that were not optimal and dysfunctional to one degree or another. Thus, we were committed to having a home where life was supportive of children through all ages of growth so our kids would not have our issues. It worked out well. They all have their own issues not even remotely similar to ours but perhaps still, a result of our efforts not to make the same mistakes our parents made.
Sadly, due to my early childhood and adolescent traumas, I cannot say that I was “happy” in the marriage. I have experienced joy when each of my children were born, but “happiness,” I’m not sure I’ve ever truly experienced it from age 8 onward. Beginning about a year before Deborah’s death, I even began to question myself as to whether I had even really loved her. Her death provided me with the answer, “Yes. I loved her then and still do.” However, true happiness still eludes me I think. On the bright side, I am over the 10-years of major depression that followed her death.
Nonetheless, I believe that my married life was good for her and me, my sexual identity notwithstanding. Raising four children from infancy to adulthood is an experience every decent person should experience for there are many opportunities for happiness (or very pleasant feelings at least). Certainly, there are too many emotionally damaged people, for which parenthood would result in disaster for the children.
Some gay men have never been inclined to marry a woman or to become fathers and are quite satisfied with their lack of offspring. I respect everyone’s decision not to marry or procreate, just as I hope they respect mine. I have heard that many gay men “look down upon” married or ex-married gay men for being “cowards” and living in the closet of a “straight” society and culture. I have only two things to say to them. First, I repeat that I enjoyed every minute of my marriage and children and I’m glad for the experience. The second thing is, “Get over it.” We are all free to pursue our own visions of “happiness” and one does not negate the other.
Genesis chapter 2, verse 24 describes God’s joining Adam and Eve in what is considered marriage. Except, the way it is worded and punctuated it appears that it is Adam who is “speaking” the words not God. And recall that the King James version, which I am referencing, was not written directly by God, but by a group of scholars who argued over the interpretations and the meaning of the words (from the original sources) that were being translated. Consequently, opinions of people with egos, theories, religious training, and “agendas” may have distorted the facts recorded in the original documents and then placed in the Bible. So, what is true?
I do know this; before Deborah and I could be married, we had to obtain permission from the State of Utah to be joined in matrimony by an authorized minister of a religion recognized by the State. In other words, the marriage ceremony was religious in nature but authorized by a Civil Government—in effect, a civil union with a religious ceremony.
Our nation’s Declaration of Independence proclaims to the world the reasons we are no longer British citizens and our land is no longer British colonies. It also proclaims that all “men” are created equal and have the inalienable right to pursue happiness. Our Constitution prohibits discrimination and one of its purposes is to protect the minority from the tyranny of the majority. Recently, the U.S. Court of Appeal affirmed a lower court’s ruling that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional because it denies rights to legally married same-sex couples that legally married opposite-sex couples have. Of course, all of the gay and lesbian community and many in the heterosexual community already knew that, but the bigoted religious extremists continue to spew lies and hatred (anti-Christian behavior). Isn’t that exactly what we should expect from religions whose preachers are paid by the congregations and who must, therefore, preach what the congregation wants to hear in order to keep their jobs. After all, no one wants to pay a minister to tell them each week that they are vile sinners and religious bigots. Jesus never taught a Gospel of hatred, so why do the (so called Christian) extremists?
Preaching a Gospel of hate is not a Christ-like behavior; and when taught to children, constitutes child abuse. So, why isn’t the government prosecuting for a child abuse hate crime? When preachers use the pulpit to teach hatred and tell lies about political candidates to influence the votes of their congregations (which is against the law), why isn’t the government revoking their tax-exempt status? Persecution of gays and lesbians by religious extremists reminds me of the WW2 Nazis of Germany. Is that where America is heading? Are the Jews next?
Perhaps Stonewall should not remain just “history.” Perhaps there should be protest marches on those congregations of "non-Christian" believers who profess Christian values, beliefs, and lifestyle but are, in reality, self-righteous bigots. If they actually read and understood the Bible’s teachings, they should understand that it condemns their behavior and makes plain their “sins.” The Book of Matthew, chapter 23, verses 27 & 28 describes and condemns them perfectly; Jesus says, Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees [the religious bigots/extremists of their time], hypocrites! For ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.” I believe we can locate them mostly in the South or in the GOP, but march on them wherever they are found.
That fruitcake preacher who wants to put all gays and lesbians behind a 100-mile electric fence and feed us until we all die natural deaths has the right idea but the wrong target group. All the preachers and teachers of hate and their supporters and followers should be behind that fence until they all die out. The world has seen enough hate and it is time for all hate to cease to exist once and for all. Then, as the song says, maybe everyone can “Sleep in Heavenly peace.”
© 3 June 2012
About the Author
I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I was sent to live with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.
When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11-2001 terrorist attack.
I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.
My story blog is: TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com
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