Ambitious Changes by Gillian

For many years I was driven by just one ambition. It ruled the major decisions of my life.
I was going to find a way to fix this unidentified, at best only subliminally recognized, problem.

In high school, and for that matter as far back as I could remember, I simply felt zero excitement over boys. 
I liked them, I had plenty of boy friends, but not boyfriends; sexual stimulations of puberty were engendered exclusively by girls. I was in love with my best girl friend all through high school.

Well. This would not do.
It was all the problem of these country bumpkin boys of the remote hill country I inhabited. Somehow I failed to notice that the girls came from the same place.
I would go off to College and there the young men would at least be intellectually stimulating which in turn would surely lead to……?

That worked well. 
I was madly in love with the same woman all through college. There were many intellectually stimulating men but that failed to lead to …….? 

Well. This would not do.
It was all the problem of these dull boring Englishmen. After all, the jokes are endless.
The Englishman can get along with sex quite perfectly so long as he can pretend that it isn't sex but something else. 
The rest of the world has sex, the Englishman has cricket.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
On and on.
I would go off to the United States where men were men and that would lead to….?

That worked well. 
I was in love with my female workmate in no time. 

Well. This would not do. 
I had simply not found the RIGHT man. I became quite promiscuous in my search.

That worked well. 
I remained madly in love with the same woman. Even when it is all confined to some underground segment of my being, I am hopelessly monogamous.

Well. This would not do. 
The problem was all these one night stands, all this messing around. I would find a good man and get married.

That worked well.
I remained in love with the same incurably hetero woman, but increasingly more consciously. The reality of what I was became abundantly clear.

Well. This would not do. 
I would get divorced. And I would stand my ambition on its head.

And that did work well. My ambition became to embrace, if sadly belatedly, my sexuality. 
I would not hide it, I would come out to my family and friends and coworkers almost as soon as I came out to myself.

I met Betsy, fell madly in love, and in my monogamous way have loved her for twenty-five years.
I do, completely, embrace my lesbianism. 
In fact, I have to put it more strongly. 
After I turned my ambition around 180 degrees I can honestly say that I am grateful to be gay. It has brought so much meaning and purpose, such joy, such support. (This storytelling group is the perfect example.)

I have been buffeted by one ambition, then by another in the completely opposite direction. 
And now, not driven at all, I am content simply to be.

© 18 July 2011

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 25 years.