I have never been one to be really “in the swim of things,” an expression much used by my mother but not heard so much today. American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms defines it as “actively participating, in the thick of things,” and explains it’s origin from the term “swim” used in the 1800’s to mean a large number of fish in one area.
No, I have not for the most part been one of those many, but more one aside. Perhaps it was to some extent an inevitable result of being an only child, learning of necessity to be perfectly content with my own company, but it was also the result of other circumstances.
When I was about four my parents and I moved to a remote farming area on the border of England and Wales, to live with and look after my paternal grandparents of whom I have already told you quite a lot in various stories. This part of the world had a dialect all its own, so that set me apart from everyone else from the start. When I began school I learned, as children swiftly do, to adopt the right words and phrases, to talk like the other kids, and fit in well enough, but was never really “in the swim.”
Besides, they were all farm kids and I was the teacher’s brat, so that left an inevitable space between us. Furthermore, in remote areas like this, people were only just beginning to travel outside their immediate surroundings and so for many generations had been intermarrying.
It seemed as if every one of my friends was related to all the others whereas I had no family in the area except my immediate one of parents and grandparents.
It was not that I was lonely or unhappy, just not “in the swim.”
Then, of course, as I grew older that subconscious subliminal gay thing was always there.
Even though I didn’t even recognize it consciously, let alone do anything about it, it definitely kept me out of that “swim!”
And now I have recognized it, and done something about it, and am completely “out,” I still wouldn’t say I’m firmly “in the swim of things” as far as gay culture, whatever that is, goes. Yes, I suppose being with a same-sex partner in a committed relationship for twenty-five years does put me solidly within the “gay” circle, but I don’t find myself “in the swim” of gay culture.
Sure, I’ve read some gay books and seen some gay movies, and would probably do more of both if there were more really good ones. I’ve done my fair share of dancing and lesbian bars but once I found my beautiful Betsy those rather lost their appeal.
I am here, a participant in this wonderful group, which I acknowledge as one of the best things to have come along in my life, so clearly I do participate in gay things with gay people,
But in general I have to say that I don’t feel participation in gay culture to be a big part of my life.
No, not in the swim!
Or am I? Surely being completely at peace with whom and what you are is just about as much “in the swim” as a person could ever be.
© Sept. 10th 2012
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