Discovery by Ricky

I am not famous or even infamous, nonetheless, I made many discoveries in my life. As an infant, I discovered that I did not like being tossed into the air and then caught by my father. Of course getting caught was much preferred to hitting the floor unhindered. My father always caught me, but I never liked or enjoyed the falling feeling.

As a 1st grader, I discovered, but did not understand, that I could not trust my mother and I feared my father and yet I still loved both of them dearly. Perhaps children are ‟hard-wired” to be that way or maybe it was the unconscious realization that they provided everything I needed to survive—a juvenile Stockholm Syndrome as it were.

As a pubescent 5th grader, I discovered the initial pleasures of male genitalia and the physical differences between boys and girls. Boys were more ‟interesting”. I also discovered ‟responsibility” while caring for my younger siblings. It wasn't something for which I wanted to be responsible.

As a 6th grader, I finally discovered all the pleasures that male genitalia can provide and that there were other boys who liked rediscovering those pleasures with me. During the school Christmas presentation, I discovered stage fright when I saw my parents sitting in the second row. I also discovered that it is much more fun to play sports than to watch from the bleachers.

In the Boy Scouts, I discovered the pleasures of belonging to an organized group of boys having fun camping, learning new games and skills, and performing campfire skits. Because I was the oldest boy in the troop and held the position of Senior Patrol Leader, I was always ‟responsible” for everything boy related and sometimes other things. As a result, I was always on my best behavior trying to be the good example. While my time in the troop was very enjoyable and fun, the boys had more fun than I.

As an 8th grader, I discovered the first pangs of being different as all my friends began to favor girls while I still wanted to be with boys. From this point forward my interests began to diverge from the mainstream interests of other boys until in my freshman year of high school, I began to wonder if I was a ‟slow developer” or something else altogether.

Increasingly throughout high school, college, and into mainstream adulthood, I discovered I was growing more comfortable around groups of females and more estranged from and apprehensive around groups of men, lest they detect that I had no interest in their primary topics of discussion. Groups of women did not make me uncomfortable in the least. Nonetheless, I crave male companionship.

In the first semester of college, I discovered that I would never be a high school chemistry teacher.

In the military, I discovered self-discipline. Unfortunately, when I left the military, I also left behind nearly all traces of self-discipline. Fortunately, I also discovered the pleasures of heterosexual relationships and in separate events met my future spouse.

After being married, I discovered that I liked it and also discovered the joy of being present at the birth of our four children.

Upon returning to military life, I discovered I am still a child psychologically. I found this out while in training when I read in a manual on how to set up an “L-shaped” ambush. Specifically, where to aim the machine gun to inflict the greatest damage if the bullets fall short or go past the aiming point. I actually realized that the military was no “game” like I played as a little kid.

I discovered that I rather enjoyed being a military officer and also a deputy sheriff both of which were childhood desires.

I discovered that I am a child of God and that most people are good, although many are misguided.

I discovered just how devastating it is when one’s soul-mate passes on leaving one behind.

I discovered the importance of being around family and friends and to keep lines of communication open.

In 2010, I finally admitted to myself that I am sexually oriented towards males and discovered just how liberating the admission was to my psyche.

Lastly, I discovered The Center and SAGE’s Telling Your Story group and the wonderful people who attend. I am looking forward to next Monday’s get-together for conversation and, of course, food with ice cream.

© 22 December 2013 

About the Author  

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is, TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com.