Solitude Began Long Ago and Far Away by Ricky

          In my opinion, there are three types of solitude: of the body, of the mind, and of both the mind and body simultaneously.  There are two sub categories of solitude: self-imposed and externally imposed.  Each of these categories and sub categories have degrees of effect and affectation upon a person.

          The following are examples:

TYPES	SELF-IMPOSED	EXTERNALLY IMPOSED
Solitude of the Body	Shutting oneself away from contact with others; a hermit like existence.	Imprisoned; trapped by a natural disaster; shipwrecked on a deserted island.
Solitude of the Mind	Tuning out distractions while reading or watching a movie; being in a crowd but feeling alone.	Being alone (not by choice) with no TV, radio, telephone, or other common objects to occupy one’s thoughts; being deaf and blind; being in a coma; Alzheimer’s Disease.
Solitude of Both the Mind & Body	Becoming a hermit and eschewing all means of communication with the “outside” world.	Being stranded somewhere without resources or companionship.

          On a personal note, I have experienced self-imposed solitude several times in my life beginning long ago and far away in 1953 at the Hawthorne Christian School in Hawthorne, California.  My withdrawal from personal contact with other peers occurred as the result of being punched in the stomach by someone I thought was a friend.  I learned that my peers were not safe.  Since my father was the disciplinarian in our family, I already knew that I was not safe around adults either.

          In December 1957, I was living on my grandparent’s farm when my father informed me of his divorce from my mother.  In spite of two loving grandparents and a sympathetic uncle, I realized that I was alone in a world where nothing is safe, secure, or permanent.

          By June of 1958, my self-imposed solitude of the mind and moderate solitude of the body became complete until I left home for military service.  From the time my mother and step-father came to Minnesota and returned me to Lake Tahoe, California, I have been what most people would classify as a “loner”.  Living for my first summer at the Emerald Bay Resort, I had no peer interaction except for the occasional young passengers on my step-father’s tour boat.

          Having unintentionally proved to my mother that at 10-years old I could properly care for my infant twin brother and sister, I became the live-in babysitter for the next 9-years, which severely limited my after school social life.  Still, I was not lonely but I did learn to entertain myself with books and games with my siblings.  If I was not reading or playing, I entertained myself in other ways.  If anyone else had been around, they would have said of me that I was the “poster child” for the saying, “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.”  I engaged in many risky behaviors.  The only reason I did not eventually end up in reform school, was that I joined the Boy Scouts.

          Even in the scouts I was still alone.  As the oldest boy in the troop and the Senior Patrol Leader, I had to set an example and thus did not have any close scout friends.  I was closer to the scoutmaster than any of the boys.  He was my “father figure” in the absence of my real father and step-father.

          In college and the Air Force I had few to no close friends and continued to remain aloof from others (still being in the closet didn’t help).  My philosophy on friendship (due to all the situations previously mentioned), was “I will be a friend but the other person had to make the first move”.  Apparently, nearly everyone I liked was doing the same so friendships failed to materialize.

Eventually, I met Deborah and we became good friends before we married.  I had a good life with her, but I still was not thriving and was playing a lone hand.  After she passed away, I lost my joy of life and withdrew from everything I loved to do for 10-years before I finally came out of depression.

My solitude did begin long ago and far away, but it has followed me even to this day.  One other thing I’ve learned about solitude — I don’t like it one little bit.  I crave companionship for everything I like to do by way of entertainment.  I have only minimal fun doing things alone.  I am beginning to thrive but still have a long way to go.  Perhaps if I live long enough, I will be able to state, “I left my solitude long ago and far away.”

© 23 September 2013 

About the Author 

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach.  Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966.  After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010.   I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is, TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com.