Forgiveness, by Gail Klock

I have at times been hurt by people I loved or complete strangers and I hated the feelings it left inside of me; sadness, anger, desperation. These feelings prohibited me from enjoying life and made the pain last longer. I know from past experiences once I’m am able to forgive the offend or I no longer feel like the victim and he/she no longer has control of my life, or so it feels at the time, even though this is an allusion, they never really did.

In order to move on I try to understand the other person’s motives and once I do I generally realize these motives are based on experiences I was not even a part of.  For example, when my mom abandoned me as a child it hurt me a great deal and had a lasting impact on my life. But after many years of counseling and maturing I realized the pain I felt was real, but not directed at me for anything I had done or for who I was- good or bad. My mom was not trying to hurt me; in fact, she was just trying to make it through each day living with her own unbearable pain of losing a child.

I really don’t believe people want to hurt others, it would be a lousy motivator. I don’t think anyone enters a relationship thinking, “I really want my lover to think the world of me, to cherish me, and put me before all others, then I can lower the boom and hurt them. In fact, I’m already thinking of the lyrics to Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover”, I think I’ll use number 23 this time!  However, at the onset of a painful experience it is really hard for me to lift myself out of the victim role. Of course it’s all about me. I wasn’t perfect. What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I see the red flags? Or what does it mean, “People change, it’s not about you, I just need to make changes for myself,” The tape in my head plays on and on in the moment and it’s hard to step back and away from the pain.

The ease of letting go of this pain and bitterness seems to be related to the relationship and the intention of the offensive action. In one situation I was very angry and hurt when a thief stole all my camping gear which I was airing out in my back yard.  I felt violated by the senselessness of this act. I think in this instance my ability to forgive was in reality the passing of time. It’s hard to forgive someone when you don’t know who they are. I was angry too because I had very little money and I had worked hard for these items which had provided me with an inexpensive form of entertainment.

Of course as a lesbian I have felt the hurt of those who think of me as an evil and vile person. I don’t know that I need to forgive them anymore, I’ve moved on to not believing a word they utter. I’d be willing to match my positive attributes with theirs any day and I already have a head start because I don’t try to run their life’s just because of their sexual preference. I doubt they even know when they made their choices to be straight. I really think it sucks to be so full of hatred towards others. When does it leave time to enjoy this wonderful world, to see all the beauty around us. It would be so draining.

There is one other aspect of forgiveness which I ponder. I think when a person hurts you and apologizes for their action it takes most of the sting out of the situation and it is much easier to forgive.

For now, I just hope if I get hurt in the future, I can remember I’m not the center of the universe. I need to let go of the hurt feelings to allow myself to move on. I don’t hurt others on purpose and I really don’t think others do either.

© 9 Mar 2015

 

About the Author 

I grew up in Pueblo, CO with my two brothers and parents. Upon completion of high school I attended Colorado State University majoring in Physical Education. My first teaching job was at a high school in Madison, Wisconsin. After three years of teaching I moved to North Carolina to attend graduate school at UNC-Greensboro. After obtaining my MSPE I coached basketball, volleyball, and softball at the college level starting with Wake Forest University and moving on to Springfield College, Brown University, and Colorado School of Mines.

While coaching at Mines my long term partner and I had two daughters through artificial insemination. Due to the time away from home required by coaching I resigned from this position and got my elementary education certification. I taught in the gifted/talented program in Jefferson County Schools for ten years. As a retiree I enjoy helping take care of my granddaughter, playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the storytelling group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT organizations.

As a retiree I enjoy helping take care of my granddaughter, playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the storytelling group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT organizations.