In
the boys’ dorm at the church-related college I attended (actually an
undergraduate co-educational seminary), guys spent an inordinate amount of time
talking about their requirements in a mate. They wanted wives who were
personable, outgoing, good with children and old folks, dedicated to Christian
education, musically adept, and deeply spiritual. I found myself put off by their
calculations that seemed like job descriptions for a ministerial assistant, not
a life partner, and I wondered if any of them could ever be satisfied with the
slim pickin’s at our tiny school. There just weren’t that many pianists. In
this rarefied microcosm of the church, I wondered how anyone could judge the
interest and ability related to children and elders. Perhaps spirituality could
be observed there, but I doubted the accuracy of such evaluations in the
religious hothouse of a miniscule Bible college. None of these standards seemed
helpful. And what about the real young women? Did they count? Or was this
decision process just another tired topic of a worn out bull session?
I
was aware of the women at the school. My first year there I saw musical talent
in a couple of them but not a personality I could imagine surviving in any of
them. The second year my roommate told me about a new student who was very
spiritual (his word). He thought I should meet her. We met. She certainly was
spirited (but of course that might not meet some criteria of spiritual). We
both liked Coca Cola so started having some Coke dates as they were called. In
our conversations and interactions I observed and really liked her deep independence.
And her! Eventually we married and enjoyed a loving, peaceful, and event-filled
life together for twenty-nine years. She turned out to be spectacularly able as
a minister herself but with no tolerance for the endless meetings that
characterize church work in large congregations. But all that that was years
ago. I separated from my wife and left my career as a minister.
I
then moved into a new gay life and wondered about things like dating and
relationships. I had affairs with men before and figured they might hold some
clues for me. For instance, the first guy I really fell in love with surprised
me with his nasal sometimes whiny voice and effeminate gestures. I wasn’t
really put off by them but surprised that I was perhaps even attracted to them?
We shared similar educational backgrounds; both saw ourselves as liberal, both
on the same vocational track, both married, and both obviously interested in
one another. We laughed easily and wanted to spend time together, time alone
together.
The
second guy I got very into surprised me by being chubby. Still I found
compelling his humor, smile, energy, and openness to me. I enjoyed his pursuit
of me and saw how his access to our home (being first a friend of my wife) to
be advantageous. And as we moved into sexual intimacy, his positioning away
from romantic feelings seemed wise for I was not planning to break up my family.
The
third guy surprised me with his tall and skinny stature, his emotionalism, his
idealism in love, and his overly-deep needs. One friend aptly described him as
a black hole of need. I found especially compelling his art and music talents, his
business and financial sense, his attraction to me, and his mental and
emotional intensity. I also loved him.
In
the years after my separation from my wife, the fourth guy surprised me with
his nasal whine, and eventually with his not being out to his family. His
compelling traits included his droll humor, art, cleanliness, network of
friends, and interest in sex. Of course, there was his attraction to me and
mine to him. With him I developed my first full-out, live-in relationship with
a man I loved.
The
fifth guy surprised me with his high-pitched scratchy voice that I found cute
and his lack of money management that I found strange in a person with a
business degree. He thrillingly compelled me with his personal beauty,
openness, exotic background, deep interest in sex, and his sense of freedom. We
deeply loved one another.
There
were many more factors and influences in all these gay relationships, and there
were a few other men over the years, men with whom I never lived but did attain
an important sense of connection. In compiling my list of surprising and
compelling traits I found out that I don’t have much of a list of preferences,
certainly not ones for a bull session! I also saw clearly that I like the less
ordinary—those unexpected surprises discovered in almost any person—and I
respond favorably to bright humor. I like to be liked—call it love. That’s what
I consider it. More than that, my
current partnership with Jim shows me I like being connected with
family, like not worrying over the financial habits of my partner, and like the
thing I am best at—accommodating myself to the diverse lives of those with whom
I choose to live.
© 22 July 2014
About
the Author
He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com
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