Still Learning, by Betsy

I recently learned that I am not good at doing things at the last minute.  That is why I am writing this piece now--after the date that the topic was to be shared.  We got home Saturday from a trip to California where among other things, Gill and I were married. I could not get a piece on “Still Learning” together in a short two days.

A couple of things I learned on this recent trip come to mind now that I have had time to process the experiences for a week or so. Here are a few items of note.

On the subject of personal relationships: After 26 years together with my partner a marriage ceremony and a license do not make a big difference in our lives, but I have noticed that since making my vows I feel a deeper level of commitment to my partner.  Perhaps commitment is not the right word, rather more of a reminder to love and to cherish.  Speaking aloud and hearing these words in a ceremony gives more true meaning to the words and reminds me of their importance and the value of the commitment.

I am reminded of the topic “Straight Friends Who Love Me?”  These friends of whom I wrote back in 2012 really do love me.  My cycling buddies with whom we had the reunion were truly excited about our marriage.  They were so excited they wanted to be there for the ceremony.  They wanted to be there so badly that we had an extra ceremony--albeit unofficial--in their presence. 

The straight women on my tennis team from the Denver Tennis Club were so excited about our marriage that they are giving a party for Gill and me.  Every one of them is coming. Every one of them is straight.  They have shown extraordinary support and acceptance and are going out of their way to do so.

On the subject of geology: In our travels to Southern California we came across many geologic phenomena. When traveling west on the ground, one always does.   We spend a couple of days in a place neither of us had every visited before; namely, Death Valley.  I have never thought much about Death Valley.  Considered it to be a “dead” place in the desert--a small valley between mountain ranges.  First, I learned that it is not small, it is not dead, and it is surrounded by mountains on all sides.  The towering peaks surrounding it are responsible for its extraordinary and unique geologic characteristics. The fact that it is surrounded by mountains is the reason it is the hottest place on earth and the driest place in the U.S. Death Valley is huge--140 miles long and 15 miles at its widest point.  Death Valley is also the lowest place in the US.  Furthermore, it is sinking faster than it is filling up.  The valley once was a lake, only 2000 years ago.

On the subject of spirituality: In the last few days I have also learned that we create our own misery.  How and why?  Because we have egos which want to be fed constantly.  Our egos are not our true selves.  If we identify with our egos, we are looking at a false image of ourselves. The image is a reflection of how others see us.  This is a false image of who we really are--our true selves.  Once we understand this we are on the road to identifying with our true selves.  Our true selves--our souls, if you will, cannot be controlled and manipulated by others or by society as our egos can be.  The next time I have a negative feeling because of the way someone has treated me or something someone has said or not said to me--the next time that happens I am going to watch my ego, not feed it, not deny it, just watch.  Then I can tell myself that I am creating my own misery by having a needy ego.

A young brain may absorb information faster, but I believe some things are learned only after, and as a result of, decades of experience in living.  I’m glad I’m still learning every day. It’s never too late for an “aha” moment and we can never have too many.

© November 2013 

About the Author 

 Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading, writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.