Where Do We Go from Here?, by Betsy

If you take this to mean where do we go when we die—I don’t have much to say about that. People have many different beliefs about an afterlife, beliefs which require a leap of faith.  Although some of the beliefs I have heard of have a certain comforting appeal to them, I do not actually believe in any of them. I don’t deny that anything is possible, but I always seem to end up going with what I know to be a fact. The only thing I know about where we go after death is that I don’t know.  That I know to be the only truth that I am currently capable of understanding or of knowing.

Where we go from here, in my view, is a question better applied to our life here and now as mortal humans.  I like to know where I am going. For example, after story time today I will get in my car and go to my daughter’s house after doing a bit of shopping at Sprouts on the way. After that I will go no where until tomorrow morning when I will go to my closet, put on some tennis clothes and drive to the Denver Tennis Club and I will have no trouble finding my court. After tennis I will do certain things most of which I had planned ahead of time so, let us say, I know where I am going in my own world in so far as I am in control of it. Now if the weather does not permit, then I will not do what I just described. So I guess where we go from here often is conditional.

I like to at least have a sense of where my group is going as well. I believe it is important for citizens and their leaders to know in what direction their community, state, and country are headed. A good thing to know, but not always palpable.

There are other factors that make our futures uncertain and therefore make us feel a bit uneasy. This is an uncomfortable time for our country, I believe. It must be because so much campaigning is going on we are all very much aware that our leadership will be changing soon. I must admit, I am more than uncomfortable about where we would be  going if Mr. Trump is elected, or any of the Republican radical extremists who are running for president.  Then the question becomes “Where do I go from here?”  Europe? Canada?  I don’t think so.  Bad leadership is a good reason to stick around  and fight for what I believe in and to be sure to vote in upcoming elections, including the local ones. 

I like some structure in my life and so I am a tad uncomfortable not having a plan for my day—even if that plan is to sit around and read a book all day long.  I like to know where I am going both in the short term and the long term. I’ve noticed that when I don’t know where I’m going—one of those brief lulls in the day when I have finished something and don’t know what I am doing next—I often find myself going to the refrigerator and not because I’m hungry.  Now what good does that do?

 I play tennis year round outdoors. I have to admit I am not comfortable in the winter and bad weather not knowing from week to week whether we will  be playing or not.  So much for short term planning. I’m not averse to spontaneity, but generally I like to know where I am going.

I haven’t always known where I was going. There was a period of time looking back when I was not too sure how to put one foot in front of the other. Growing up gay certainly added tremendously to the confusion. Our adult role models help guide us as to where we are headed, but growing up gay in the 40’s and 50’s there were no lesbian role models—at least not in my life. Of course there were lesbian women out there, but they could not allow themselves to be known publicly as Lesbians.  Once I accepted, and acknowledged to myself that I was a lesbian I had a lot to learn suddenly about where to go from there. I didn’t even know any lesbians. Once I started looking, however, I did find some friends who helped “show me the ropes” so to speak. Soon I had many friends, but also I was part of a movement. Nothing like being part of a movement to help you find your identity and your place in society. Mostly ‘though where I went after acknowledging my sexuality was in the direction of the coming out process. This in itself has proven to be a journey,  quite a long one—at times both rough and arduous as well as smooth and easy along the way.

As I said in the beginning, I know where I am going from here today and maybe tomorrow I know where I’m going or supposed to go. But thinking about it I realize that except on a day to day basis, I haven’t known where I was going.  Especially going into different phases of life.

When I married my husband, I didn’t have any particular plans for the future. Only for the short term.  I don’t remember even planning to be a mother—not until I became pregnant.    As for a job, I sought a job in the field of work I wanted, but mostly I took what was available at the time.

When I retired, I did not know in the long run where I was going except to say that I would now engage in the things I like to do and pursue my interests only now in retirement, full time rather than only when I had a chance.  I didn’t really plan where I was going. I was going to live life as best I could.  I honestly think most people conduct their lives this way.

 When and if one does make the choice as to where to go from here the question arises: “Do I ever arrive?”  I don’t think we ever know our destination—just the direction to take, the road to take. And that choice is determined by our basic character—our morals, the strength of our convictions, our sense of justice,  our values.

Some have said the journey is more important than the destination.

The way I see it life is a journey with no ultimate destination. It’s more of a journey with pit stops where one perhaps chooses a new direction or a different road from time to time.

In my old age I would like to take the road that keeps me healthy and happy. But roads often have their barriers and their potholes.  So again for the long term I don’t know where I go from here. But I do know the direction I want to go. Beyond that I don’t know what happens after this life, but whatever it is I’m quite sure it’s good.

© 4 Jan 2016 

About the Author 

 Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading, writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.