When I Knew, by Phillip Hoyle

I knew I liked sex games when I was in second grade—age 7.

I knew I liked sex games with boys in third grade—age 8.

I knew I missed sex games with boys in seventh grade, but this time the knowing was complicated by the fact that my boyfriends didn’t seem interested any more—age 12.

I knew when I was sexually molested by an older man that some men wanted sex with other men. I also knew I didn’t feel molested—age 14.

I knew I wasn’t the only teenager to get hard ons in the shower room at school. I also learned not to be distressed—age 14.

I knew some boys my age liked to kiss and have sex with other boys and that I too liked it. I also knew my friend missed his big brother who went off to university—age 15.

I knew that only some boys attracted me sexually, not all of them. In fact I knew that only a few boys attracted me; few girls as well—age 16.

I knew one guy in the dorm who attracted me by his personality, humor, and relaxed nudity—age 18.

I knew one other boy at college who liked to wrestle with me alone in my room and realized he must miss his brothers—age 19.

I knew I had unusually intense feelings for a younger undergraduate the year after I had married. He was the first person I ever lost sleep over—age 21.

I knew the new music teacher, Ted, would like to do sexual things I might like to do and hoped we’d become friends but not complicate my marriage—age 22.

I knew I had deep emotional responses to some few men in my first fulltime church job. I knew I wouldn’t do anything with them but did experience and enjoy the attractions—ages 23-25.

I knew an undergraduate at university who was gay and seemed interested in me—age 28.

I knew I had fallen in love with a fellow male student in seminary—age 30.

These when’s are only part of the story, for I kept having them—still do—age 70. The content, or what’s are, as they say, the rest of the story, and I have enjoyed these what images as I have written about my when’s. Ah, the glories of memory; but that’s another story or a million more.

© 2 April 2018

About the Author

Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.” 

He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com