Will-o'-the Wisp, by Gillian

For the first few decades of my life, of course, my own personal - very personal - will-o'-the-wisp was my attempt to catch and then kill whatever this very vaguely-defined 'thing' was which was 'wrong with me'. But, no, that wasn't right. I honestly did not feel that there was anything wrong with me; in which case the problem must lie with the boys, and then men, that I knew. If I felt no desire for any of them, either in the role of a quickie or a lifetime lover, then there was something wrong with them! So rather than search for the thing which did exist, what it was which made me different, I switched to chasing that real will-o'-the-wisp, this magical 'right' man.The search took me from home to college, from country to city, from country to country. When, in an eventual flash of clarity, the mystery was solved, I was freed from the chase, but by then was married to a man who could never, I finally understood, solve my problem.

The original meaning of will-o'-the-wisp is an atmospheric ghost light seen by travelers at night, especially over bogs, swamps, or marshes. It resembles a flickering lamp and is said to recede if approached, drawing travelers into the dangerous marshes. Certainly, in marrying a man when deep in my being I knew I should not, I was following a ghost light into tricky emotional swampland. Having lost my path I hurt innocent people along the way, and I shall always regret that. But on occasion we all find ourselves blundering around in the dark, following strange lights. And I don't always hear my aunt's voice warning me,

'Nay, Lass, tha's no-but a will o' 't- wisp!'

© March 2018

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.