If I Won the Lottery by Colin Dale

If I won the lottery.   What do you mean "if"?  I did win the lottery, in 2004.  I was visiting my brother in West Milford, New Jersey.  I'd gone back there to run in the New York City marathon.  While there, I bought a New Jersey Pick Six lottery ticket.  I won.  The prize was $19,500,000.  I didn't take home $19,500,00.  Taxes amounted to $6,825,000.  I ended up with $12,675,000.

The marathon was a bust.  I felt like crap from the start, and dropped out at Mile 18.  I knew what the problem was.  It wasn't lack of training.  The problem was I was getting older.  But I was now a multi-millionaire.  My thought--with aging in one hand and wealth in the other--how much YOUTH could I buy?  I'd read a story in Runners' World about a procedure at the Huntington Memorial Hospital in Glendale, Wisconsin--not a surgery where you get artificial parts but a procedure called tissue transference where you get whole new parts, real parts, in a sense, the body of someone 20, 30 years younger.  The procedure cost me $188,000; then, $22,280 for the hospital stay, $3,350 for post-op rehab, $970 for medication, $450 for hotel & meals, and $16 for cab fare.  The total cost of YOUTH: $215,066.  Not bad.

My after-tax prize, if you recall, was $12,675,000.  $12,675,000 minus $215,066 for YOUTH -- I was left with $12,459,934.

Unfortunately, the new, youthful me needed some new, youthful FRIENDS.  It would hurt to part with my old old friends, but what the hell.  I'd seen an infomercial on TV: "Tired of your old do-nothing friends?" it said.  "Buy new FRIENDS, fun-loving FRIENDS, high-energy FRIENDS able to keep up with your high-energy lifestyle.  Buy one FRIEND, two FRIENDS, buy a dozen FRIENDS.  Call for prices.  You'll be surprised how affordable.  Operators are standing by."  And so I called.  The cost: $15,134 per FRIEND.  I bought a dozen for $181,608.  I wanted these FRIENDS close by, so I had them moved to Denver: add shipping & handling at $4,700 per FRIEND, and resettling costs of $234,000 -- the grand total for a dozen new, high-energy, close-by FRIENDS: $472,008.

After buying YOUTH & FRIENDS, I still had $11,987,926 left.

What frustrated me next was my stalled career.  An actor, I was at a dead-end.  I wondered if I could buy some TALENT somewhere.  That's when I happened to catch Kevin Costner on The View.  He was saying how after Dances With Wolves every movie he made got panned.  He was introduced to an acting coach who knew the secrets of real TALENT.  And now Costner was offering these same secrets to anyone who wanted to buy them.  The next day I was on a plane to Costner's ranch in Twentynine Palms.  Six weeks later I was winging my way back to Denver, the new owner of TALENT.  The cost (itemizing it): $388 in phone calls to Costner, $1,267 for a roundtrip ticket to California, $6,200 for car rental, etc., $770,000 for The Intensive (that's the learning of the secrets), $4,250 for new headshots, and $45 for a thank you gift for Mr. Costner.  Total cost of TALENT: $782,150.

I now had renewed YOUTH, new FRIENDS, and real TALENT -- and I still had $11,205,776 in the bank.  

But there I was, in the summer of '05, with YOUTH, FRIENDS, TALENT, and money, and no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't seem to earn the RESPECT of people who mattered.  What the hell could I do to earn RESPECT?  That's when I heard on the radio: "Don't earn respect.  Buy it!  Silvan Life Systems will equip you with the RESPECT you deserve.  Arrange an in-service with a Silvan life coach today."  I called Silvan and contracted with the best: Baron Baptiste, senior mentor.  I flew Mr. Baptiste to Denver and he stayed with me for a full month.  When he left, I had RESPECT.  The cost: Baron Baptiste's fee, $937,400.  His per diem, at $420 a day, $12,600.  His CD's (the full set): $112.  The grand total for a little genuine RESPECT: $950,112.

***

Now this is getting long-winded, so I'll abbreviate the rest.  I toted it up in the fall of 2005: I was YOUNG, surrounded by FRIENDS, super TALENTED, and deeply RESPECTED.  And the amazing part: I still had $10,255,664 in the bank.

Unfortunately, though, the things I still wanted, when I checked the prices, were a lot more expensive.  For example . . .

I bought CHARACTER.  I found CHARACTER through goodcharacter.com.  They offered a variable-length retreat depending upon how much CHARACTER you wanted.  I took the whole enchilada: Kindness, Fairness, Courage, Honesty, Diligence, and Integrity.  The grand total, including the prefrontal cortex implants: $1,290,022.

Next I bought LOVE, from the Yabyummy Institute.  My personal Love Master David Deidra's fee, $75,800, his per diem, $3,000; my Joy Buddy Rex Winter's fee, $58,000, Rex's per diem, $2,000; the Sacred Loving Program to include Tantric Love for the Soul, Body Heat, Heart & Soul, and What a Difference a Touch Makes, $876,549; plus the Sacred Loving Pleasure Kit, marked down to $484,650.  Total cost for LOVE: $1,499,999.

Next came PEACE: PEACE of mind.  An easy one--expensive, but easy: eight potions, given by Lakshmi Ganesh Punjam at the Peaceable Dragon Lodge in Kaski, Nepal.  Each potion gave me a piece of PEACE:

1) Do not be jealous

2) Do not crave recognition

3) Forgive & forget

4) Do not interfere

5) Endure what cannot be cured

6) Do not procrastinate

7) Never leave the mind vacant

8) Never regret

Cost?  The potions, $250,000 each--$2,000,000 total.   Travel: $125,142.  So, PEACE: $2,125,142.

Next-to-last: IMMORTALITY.  This was a weird one.   A guy by the name of Gerald came to my door.  He said he'd give me IMMORTALITY for $4,500,000.  I knew from Angie's List that he was on the up & up.  Gerald stayed with me while he taught me IMMORTALITY.  Total cost: $4,500,000 for the IMMORTALITY itself; I gave Gerald a $675,555 tip -- that's 15% (seemed fair); and incidentals during his stay (food, beverage, and DVD rentals): $125,142.  Total for IMMORTALITY: $5,340,500.

That left me with only one thing I wanted to buy, but before we get to that . . .

If you've been adding this up as we went along . . .

YOUTH

FRIENDS

TALENT

RESPECT

CHARACTER

LOVE

PEACE, and

IMMORTALITY

. . . you'll know I'd spent $12,459,933.  I'd won (after taxes)12,459,934.  I had $1 left.  Well . . .

The last thing I wanted was HAPPINESS.  How lucky then I found a shop around the corner where, with my senior discount, I could buy HAPPINESS for only a buck.

But when I tried to buy it, the shopkeeper said, that's going to be a buck seventy-five.

"But I'm a senior," I said.

"Don't try it, friend," the shopkeeper said.  "I know you from around here.  You're YOUNG, got young FRIENDS, your TALENTED, RESPECTED by everybody, got great CHARACTER, obviously in LOVE, blessed with PEACE of mind, and, for all I know, you're IMMORTAL.  No way you're a senior.  HAPPINESS'll be a buck seventy-five."

"Shit," I said, and went home.

About the Author

Colin Dale couldn't be happier to be involved again at the Center.  Nearly three decades ago, Colin was both a volunteer and board member with the old Gay and Lesbian Community Center.  Then and since he has been an actor and director in Colorado regional theatre.  Old enough to report his many stage roles as "countless," Colin lists among his favorite Sir Bonington in The Doctor's Dilemma at Germinal Stage, George in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Colonel Kincaid in The Oldest Living Graduate, both at RiverTree Theatre, Ralph Nickleby in The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby with Compass Theatre, and most recently, Grandfather in Ragtime at the Arvada Center.  For the past 17 years, Colin worked as an actor and administrator with Boulder's Colorado Shakespeare Festival.  Largely retired from acting, Colin has shifted his creative energies to writing--plays, travel, and memoir.