Coping: dealing effectively with something (or someone) that is difficult.
I recently visited with some family members whom I have not seen for many years.They live in the deep south and I knew they were politically conservative. So, shall we say, I was not about to flaunt my sexual orientation in their presence. I never have felt comfortable talking with them about the subject nor have I ever felt I had a compelling reason to talk about it. They knew I was divorced. I thought that was as far as it went.
I was blown away on this recent occasion when my deceased brother’s family--his wife and adult children--asked me about my partner. I was astounded by the inquiry. Gill, my partner, was not with me on this my second visit since I came out in the 1980s. It turns out these family members are quite accepting. I later learned perhaps that is because they had already encountered issues around the sexual orientation of their own children or grandchildren. I was braced to deal with a difficult situation, but instead found myself surrounded by people not only willing to listen, but interested in my life and the love of my life. Such a relief. I hate being closeted.
I often wonder if there is any significance to the fact that I came out soon after my father’s death in the late 1970s. Was I waiting until both my parents were gone? My mother died in 1957. Coming out then was unthinkable. I wasn’t even out to myself, trying ever so hard to be straight, and pretending rather successfully. I even had myself convinced, at least, at some level that maybe I was straight. My father lived until the late ‘70s. So in 1980 when I started coming out I had no fear of rejection from either my mother or my father. Is this how I coped with the situation involving these loved ones? Sad when you think about it. They, my parents, never knew who I really was. Was that because I chose not to deal with that difficult situation? Did I feel free to come out once they were gone? It’s probably not that simple.
Had they both been alive when I came out, I don’t think they would have rejected me. After all, I was their child, but not A child. I was in my forties, almost 50 years old. I think they would have gathered the information they needed to understand.
Ultimately they most certainly would have come around.
I timed my coming out to my sister, so that she would not be able to say a word after I made the shocking disclosure. Yes, this was how I coped with this difficult situation; namely, coming out to this loved one. We had been together for a few days and the time came for her to go home. We are at the airport at her gate. Her plane is boarding (this was before the high security days). “Last call for flight 6348 to Birmingham,” blared the public address speaker. We hug. “Oh, I do have something important to tell you, Marcy. I’m gay.” I said, as she is about to enter the jetway. “Let’s talk soon,” as I wave goodbye. I’m thinking,”Maybe she didn’t even hear me above all the noise.” So much for dealing effectively with that difficult and awkward moment.
As I write this I realize where the problem was in these situations. Not with the loved ones themselves, not even with the threat that they might reject me or overreact. Rather with my feelings of acceptance of myself, ME, and my willingness to risk and yes, to cope with my fears of rejection, my fear of threats of reprisal, my fear that I would be an outcast from the family. Call it insecurity. However when you care about your loved ones, the fears are very real and can be very powerful indeed.
I did cope with these feelings for quite a long time before I was able to accept emotionally that I had done nothing wrong and I had simply to acknowledge who I am and that I love and care about myself enough to honor my need to live honestly and freely without guilt or shame, and to be free to make the choices that would make me a complete person. Once I started dealing effectively with my own feelings of doubt, and self-deprecation, the problem of coping with others disappeared.
Lucille Ball once said: “Love yourself and everything else falls into line.”
I have yet to come across any family member who rejects me because of my sexual orientation. Moreover, if that ever happens, I know I do not have to cope with them. Rather they will have to cope with me.
© 15 October 2012
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