Teacher by Betsy

Whether she wants to be or not, a mother IS a teacher. By virtue of being present from the moment her child enters the world a mother, which is a mother who IS present, has to be the greatest influence in a child’s life. Later on a child may want to break away from this overwhelming influence. After all, to become an independent adult a child has to break away. But the influence will always be there. 

I remember breaking away from my mother, but by the time I was 18 I had become human again in my behavior. Now in my dotage my mother is the first person who comes to mind when presented with the topic “teacher.”

I imagine most of a parent’s lessons are conveyed indirectly by way of example. I can think of a thousand things my mother taught me without ever uttering a word about it. 

GRACE: My mother was the most graceful and gracious creature alive. She moved with grace, she ran the household with grace. I can honestly say, I never heard my mother raise her voice. (This could be why I have trouble doing this myself!) There were times she was angry, but always kept her cool. 

COMMITMENT AND RESPONSIBILITY: She never spoke of commitment and responsibility directly, but I know I learned this from her. Actions truly do speak louder than words. However certain words have a way of sticking. One particular incident comes to mind: Where we lived I became eligible to get a driver’s license when I turned 15. In Louisiana at the time, it did not matter if you knew how to drive. On your fifteenth birthday you go down with your birth certificate and get your license. My mother prepared me for this day by taking me out for practice runs in the family car. As far as she was concerned birthday or no, I would get my license when she was satisfied that I could drive SAFELY. I can still hear her voice guiding me down the road. “Don’t ever forget, Betsy. The car is a KILLER.” This obviously made a big impression on me since I remember these words to this day--60 years later. 

COURAGE: I would never have thought of my mother as courageous--until she was torn from her roots, forced to leave her comfortable home surrounded by familiarity and family members. She had to endure relocating to a new environment and new culture. At the time I had no idea that this would be a difficult adjustment for anyone. When you are young you can move anywhere many times with ease. But this had to be an awful change of environment for her. I never heard one word of complaint. It was only a few years later that she became terminally ill. Her youngest child, my little sister, had to be sent away to boarding school because mom could not take care of her or the household or anyone else, herself included. Through a painful illness, surgeries, weakness, inability to eat, numerous hospitalizations my mother never complained. This takes courage.

STEADFASTNESS: My mother and I used to argue a lot when I was growing up. When I did grow up I stopped the nonsense. But as I was trying to assert my independence we often argued. She did have some very traditional ideas about things and I was a raging radical, like most teen agers. We did not raise our voices but would banter about with our conflicting ideas. At the end of the discussion she would always say, “I may not agree with you about this, but you stick to your guns.”

CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS. Another very powerful lesson my mother taught me was to have consideration for others. “Even if you cannot thank Grandmother for that gift you do not want,” she said, “you MUST acknowledge her generosity and thoughtfulness in sending it.” This concept seems to be dying out altogether. I wonder if the problem is that I do not have texting capability. Those of my generation can always hope that when the youngsters have their own Facebook page, they will post acknowledgments on our walls. I really don’t care. Send a carrier pigeon! Let me hear from you even if you didn’t want that gift. I know my mom--my grandchildren’s great grandmother--would approve of any of these methods of communication, as would I. These valuable lessons so well taught should not be lost!

LOVE: I do believe my mother along with my father was instrumental in teaching me how to love another. Now, how do you teach something as important and powerful as loving another? I knew my mother loved me and I believe that is what it takes to teach this greatest lesson of all.

© November 2011

About the Author 

Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change). She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.