Endless Joy by Gillian

I’m not sure why but that phrase, the entire concept, makes my skin creep a bit. Maybe it’s because the only people I can imagine making me a promise of endless joy are fundamentalist preachers from the mega church, urging me towards rebirth, and the corner drug dealer urging me towards powders and pills. It also, to me, conjures up a vision of a constant and rather scary manic condition.

Not that I’m suggesting there is anything wrong with joy itself, but, like so many things, it is probably best taken in moderation. The Free Online Dictionary defines it as intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness. Now really! Who can keep that up for a lifetime? We who are fortunate enough frequently feel joy in our lives, but it goes away; either crashing down or floating gently away as we return to the usual mundanity of everyday living. Christmas comes to mind, as I am writing this at Christmas time. The word joy pops up frequently in carols, and we often associate the holiday season with joy. Sadly, this anticipated joy does not always manifest itself to those who expect it and they are doomed to angry disappointment. Others, even more sadly, are realistic enough about the situation in which they currently find themselves that they expect nothing; and are not disappointed.

But let’s suppose, for now, that we have a perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas. The kids are joyous as they unwrap their presents and delve eagerly into the stockings, the parents and grandparents rapturous as they watch. We build a snow man on the lawn, then enjoy a perfectly dinner, after which we sit around the tree and lustily sing joyful Christmas carols. We drop into bed, awash with Christmas joy and egg nog. We are still pretty joyful in the morning, even though the go-to-work alarm wakens us rudely before dawn. This Christmas was pure joy, we congratulate each other silently. We totter into the living room which we find completely covered in tattered wrapping paper, ripped-off ribbon, and abandoned toys. The dining room looks almost as bad. When did all that gravy end up on the floor? And what might that be, all that sticky stuff trodden firmly into the carpet? And, oh God, the fudge somehow got left out and the dog ate it, then threw it up in the corner. That joyous high is dissipating in a hurry but we are also in a hurry. No time to do anything about anything right now. I dig my way out to the car through that foot of snow that we were all so excited about yesterday. Ooh, how perfect. A real White Christmas! Bloody fools, I grumble to myself, digging out the car and beginning to register a slight pounding in my head. How and why had I left egg nog for rum punch? Now I’ve got to get out on the icy freeway with all those fools who don’t have a clue how to drive in this stuff.... and I’m developing road rage before I even get the car in gear. Not one ounce of yesterday’s joy remains.

Weddings are other occasions frequently linked with joy, indeed endless joy to be carried forward from this joyful wedding to last a lifetime of marriage. A wedding crowd is very often a joyful one, attending a truly joyous occasion. The happy couple overflows with joy and we all rise with them onto some euphoric cloud. They rush off to the airport only to spend three miserable hours waiting for the arrival of the plane which by now should have already winged them away to that luxurious hotel on the beach. When they finally do arrive there, exhausted and irritable, it is pouring rain and colder than the home they just left. After a week of cold, wind, and rain, viewed from the streaming window of the over-priced hotel that euphoria bubble has truly burst. The honeymoon is definitely over.

Of course it isn’t just positive emotions which don’t go on uninterrupted forever. Negative ones don’t either. If you marry him you’ll have nothing but misery. Not quite accurate. Maybe he will, does, bring you much unhappiness, but it’s not endless, with never a break. Surely miserable lives are, even if only occasionally, treated to some relief, a little levity, perhaps even some rare moments of joy. Years ago I saw a homeless woman pick up a small white flower someone had dropped on the sidewalk. The expression on her face as she held that flower up to the light was very evidently an expression of pure joy.

Don’t we need the bad times so that we can really enjoy the good? If we did have endless joy, would we appreciate it? Would we even feel it? I’m not sure. And how could we have empathy for those not feeling so good? Helen Keller said, “We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”

Eckhart Tolle, a name I’m sure you’re sick of hearing from both Betsy and me, and sometimes Pat, suggests that if we live each moment in the now, never being distracted by the past or future, every moment will bring us joy; not the Christmas or wedding kind of joy sometimes engendered by an external stimulus, but the spiritual joy of simply being. I work hard at it but doubt that I will ever attain that spiritual strength. If I had been practicing it my entire life I might have some hope of getting there, but I only really started paying the attention I should to my spiritual needs after I retired. I am making progress, and have experienced enough of those tiny shots of spiritual joy to feel the beauty of it, but it is far from endless. In fact it is absent more than it is present. The closest I can get is a kind of inner spiritual peace, which I revere. It is almost continuous, though being a spiritual novice I sometimes let it get away. So far, at least I am able to get it back. It is, I believe, as close as I will ever come to endless joy. Will it be endless inner peace? Only time will tell.

©  January 2014

About the Author 

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 25 years.