Rickyisms, by Ricky

These are NOT "jokes" they are positively, undoubtedly, irrevocably–infallible TRUTHS!!!

THINGS I LEARNED WHILE STATIONED IN THE SOUTH WITH THE AIR FORCE

A 'possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the
South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

There are NO cockroaches in the South.  There is, however, an abundance of Palmetto bugs which, oddly, are found only in the South.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

“Onced” and “Twiced” are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy!

“Jawl-P?” means, “Did everyone go to the bathroom?”

People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

“Fixinto” is one word. It means “I'm going to do that.”

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.  (I guess no southern preacher ever told his flock the last supper was held a little over 2,000 years ago.)

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and all occasions.  One starts drinking it when two years old. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the “Wine of the South.”

"Backwards and forwards" means, “I know everything about you.”

The word “jeet” is actually a question meaning, “Did you eat?”

The word “squeet” means, “Let’s go eat.”

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘em.

“Ya'll” is singular. “All ya'll” is plural.

All the festivals in a Southern state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, fish, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car—for your OWN car.

There are only six condiments: salt, pepper, vinegar, mustard, ketchup and Tabasco.

Mayonnaise is NOT a condiment—it is a food group.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, the other five pages are for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name)

The first day of any hunting season is treated as a national holiday.

You already know what a “hissy fit” is.

Fried catfish is the other, “other white meat”.

We don't need no dang Drivers Ed. If Mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

A vampire and a priest decided to commit a burglary together.  Once inside their target building, the vampire became nervous and suspicious about the priest, who was displaying signs of untrustworthiness.  So, the vampire turns to the priest and says, “You better not double-cross me.”

Which knight of the Round Table was the best at math? — Sir Cumference.

If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, a blue house is made of blue bricks, and a brown house is made of brown bricks, what is a green house made of? — glass.

© 14 December 2015 

About the Author 

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach.  Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I was sent to live with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966.  After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11-2001 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010.   I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is, TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com.