Believing, by Betsy

For the first two decades of my life I religiously recited a creed almost once a week affirming a belief.  Later in my 30’s I stopped doing this because I realized I really didn’t believe the things I was saying I believed. I had no hard feelings about the church, I just stopped believing. I’m referring to the liturgy of the Episcopal Church where I was baptized and confirmed.  The creeds recited in the church liturgy—the Nicene and Apostle’s—were so familiar to me that I could recite both from memory at an early age.

Why are children taught to claim beliefs which they are too young to understand, accept, or reject?  Could it be that IF it is etched deeply enough into your psyche, you will hold on to it for life, never questioning it. It becomes “yours.”  It feels good and it keeps us “safe.”

I recited as I’m sure most of us did, the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school hundreds of times before I ever pondered to what it was that I was pledging allegiance. Around third  grade I thought it odd to pledge to a flag, a piece of cloth hanging on a pole or a wall even while understanding that it is a symbol of our country.  But still why the rote recitation? I think we all know the answer to that question.  By recitation it becomes part of us, we own it and hopefully, later in life, we understand and embrace its meaning.  Never once did an adult explain to me what I was reciting and what it meant.  Just that the recitation was not only important, but also part of one’s life—part of one’s day—like brushing your teeth.

 The next question that comes to mind is why do some examine their beliefs and others go through life never doubting?  I cannot answer that for others, only for myself. I don’t remember my parents teaching me to think critically about anything. They were good parents and I loved them, but they did not question the standard cultural beliefs—at least not out loud. They were not ardent about spreading the teachings of the church, but they accepted those tenants more as a matter of being good Christians and good citizens. I pretty much went along with them, I guess. I really don’t remember. Believing was not “big” in our day to day life. At the same time doubting and challenging was not big either.

I think my mind became “ripe” for critical thinking when I was in college. Or maybe I simply was not mature enough before then. A light came on when I realized I could not will myself to have faith that something was true simply because I was told to do so or because I was told the consequences would be painful for me if I chose not to. One teacher, Professor Jaffe, taught me to question everything. I suppose that’s because that’s what one does in Philosophy class.  But I learned from Professor Jaffe that what is important about learning is thinking for oneself, as well as being exposed to the information. What one does with the information is the whole point.

Thinking back, it seems that it was my husband who put me up to applying critical thinking to   my religious beliefs.  They may have been faintly held beliefs; nevertheless, they had been a part of me for a long time. He simply raised the question one day, “maybe Jesus was just a good man and not divine. How do we know for sure?”  That’s when I made a conscious decision not to take that leap.  We started discussing the power of the church historically. How most of the wars fought throughout history were fought over religious beliefs.  From then on, I questioned everything, my feelings as well as my beliefs.  It was years later, however, that I took any action regarding the feelings I had been questioning in regard to my sexuality.

I am not trying to say that critical thinking is good and faith is bad. They each have a place in my life. But what I do say is that when believing gets in the way of accepting facts and blocks applying information to form one’s opinions, there is a problem. Believing versus gathering information and forming a point of view seems to be the conflict going on today in some political situations. When I see Trump supporters interviewed on the evening news, what I see is people full of fear holding a belief because of that fear, and holding it in disregard of the facts. For example, the belief that ISIS is the greatest threat to life in the U.S. today. ISIS is coming and therefore we all must have guns to protect ourselves and our families. One look at the numbers would make anyone question that belief: in 2013 deaths from ISIS-16; deaths from gun violence-33,000. The numbers speak for themselves if one is willing to take a look at them.

For me it is hard to put my faith in something a book says, even a book considered sacred, or something a person or institution tells me to believe. Yet until I grew up this is what I did and what I was taught to do. This is what most people are taught to do. If it works for them, more power to them.  But it does not work for me and I cannot imagine it ever doing so.

© 12 Jan 2016 

About the Author 

 Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading, writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren. Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.