Setting Up House, by Gail Klock

This is my third and final attempt at writing this piece on “Setting up House.” I struggled with it twice yesterday, both attempts were wiped out with the delete key. I woke up this morning asking myself why it was so hard, what was the struggle all about. As all of you in this room know getting words down on paper requires an act of God, well not quite, but it does kind of require a coming to terms with yourself. My first two attempts sufficiently covered the superficial aspects of setting up house, all the details were there, but none of the heart. I am attempting to reach into my soul and rectify it with my brain to get to the emotions of this piece.

“Setting up house” represents to me the essence of life, the determining of how I am going to live my life. Am I going to set up house by myself and find contentment in the doing or am I going to attempt to set up house with another, and perhaps realize my hopes and dreams. When I’m honest with myself I know I desire the latter as I am a social person and I really enjoy being in a loving relationship. I had a couple of dreams lately which relate to this topic. In the first one I was trying to get out of Golden on a highway, but I didn’t know which road to take. The one I was on led to a flyover which was very high and narrow with an arc so great at the top I couldn’t see where it was leading. I wasn’t sure if it was the right road to be on, but I knew if I could focus on the road and not on the frightening aspects of the path itself I would be okay. I awoke at this point and began to analyze this dream before the details of it escaped me. I knew why I was leaving Golden, it was where my former partner and I had lived with our family, and our family as we knew it then no longer exists. Much of the setting up house which we had done so well unraveled. We, my partner and I, had not paid enough attention to the infrastructure of our dwellings. The road being high and narrow spoke to two of my fears, height and confinement. The “focus on the road” aspect of the dream is literally focusing on knowing that “I am”. I lost sight of my existence when my little brother Karl died, when our family crumbled under the grief. I thought I could regain my mother’s love and attention by giving her back her happiness. In the process, I gave up myself as I tried to anticipate what her needs were, if I was only good enough I would make her happy and she could return to the loving mother she had been before she lost her baby. I tried to “set up house” at the age of four, almost five. The materials I used worked for the time being, they were at that time the best available. But it was a bit like using asbestos, the long-term damage was potentially greater than the original benefits gained. I’m using better building materials now which are being supplied by more informed builders, not a four-year-old, but sessions with a very skilled psychologist, Vivian Schaefer; readings by authors such as Brene Brown and Eckhart Tolle, which are supplemented greatly by the thoughtful discussions Betsy and Gillian and I have concerning the meaning of these writings, particularly Tolle’s; and by the relationship Trish and I are forming. Without Trish, very little of the progress I am making would be taking place. It is not possible to develop relationship skills without relationship and both Trish and I are bringing the integrity needed which allows us to grow.  Through these efforts I am regaining my awareness of myself and my emotions and the infrastructure of my life is being rebuilt.

My other two dreams involved the living spaces I was occupying. The first one was rather shabby and run down with locks on the exterior doors which a man was trying to break into. In the next segment of the dream I was living in a new apartment which had very secure locks, but was incredibly small; as I looked around the rooms I realized there was space for cooking, but no space for a bed. Upon awakening and further analyzation of these dreams I recognized the locks I have use in life are perhaps not as sturdy as I expected them to be, but rather false providers of security. I tried for too many years to protect myself and my emotions by locking them up, which in reality created a less safe environment. The small safe living quarters allowed me access to provide sustenance for myself, but it did not allow for a bed, which was the metaphor for an intimate relationship.

From these dreams, I would conclude that “setting up house” requires unlocking the emotions within. In order to be safe in a relationship I must be aware of my own needs, wants, and desires. I must also allow my vulnerabilities to be known, because they are the infrastructure which left unacknowledged will destroy the housekeeping. It is unreasonable and unfair to think another person should be able to intuit my areas of insecurities and thus respond in the understanding, loving manner I am hoping for.

When Lynn and I set up house there were never any conflicts over where we lived, the décor, who would do what chores, landscaping, the amount of money each of us was contributing, or any other domestic decisions. We were building our lives together, knowing each person was making a fair contribution and accepting and respecting the fact that together we would be happier and have more. We lived in rental properties for the first eight years and finally acquired the finances we needed to afford our own home. The first house we lived in was designed by my brother Eric, as he said, to compensate for how horribly he had treated me when we were kids- I kiddingly told him it was partial payment. Lynn and I did a great deal of the work on the house ourselves in order to make it affordable, we insulated the house, worked with the electrician as a gofer, stained all the wood in the interior, painted and wallpapered all the walls, and did all the landscaping. It was a lot of hard work, yet exciting at the same time. We did a good job with the housekeeping aspect of “setting up house”. We had a lot of love and respect for one another, but we didn’t have enough internal integrity to support the housekeeping for the duration of our lives. We didn’t know how to be vulnerable with one another, we used strong locks which provided false security.

I want to combine the aspects of my relationship with Lynn which contributed to our long-term relationship and our two wonderful daughters, with my internal integrity which allows for the “I am”. This combination will provide the most beautiful house I have ever set up. It is the house I have been seeking for the past 65 years. I have no doubt I will find it as long as I stay focused on the road which will lead me there and not allow my fears to distract me. Slowly, I am unlocking the rusty locks which I put in place many years ago and I am finding the unshackling to be rather freeing. I’m still a fledgling beginning to test my wings, but I trust the inner strength which I know is within me, that which will allow me to soar like a hawk.

© 12 Sep 2016 

About the Author 

I grew up in Pueblo, CO with my two brothers and parents. Upon completion of high school, I attended Colorado State University majoring in Physical Education. My first teaching job was at a high school in Madison, Wisconsin. After three years of teaching I moved to North Carolina to attend graduate school at UNC-Greensboro. After obtaining my MSPE I coached basketball, volleyball, and softball at the college level starting with Wake Forest University and moving on to Springfield College, Brown University, and Colorado School of Mines.

While coaching at Mines my long-term partner and I had two daughters through artificial insemination. Due to the time away from home required by coaching, I resigned from this position and got my elementary education certification. I taught in the gifted/talented program in Jefferson County Schools for ten years. As a retiree, I enjoy helping take care of my granddaughter, playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the storytelling group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT organizations.

As a retiree, I enjoy helping take care of my granddaughter, playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the storytelling group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT organizations.