The scene is a comfortable living room – like its owner a bit
worn and dowdy who is sitting on a sofa with two wing back chairs at either
end. A plastic grocery bag lies beside
him.
Bert (Looking directly at the audience)
Good afternoon! My name is Bert
Wilson. Because I’m a junior and Dad was
called “Al”, I got the rear end, which is pretty much the story of my life.
Well, you all are
probably wondering why we’re here. There
is a story. I’m a member of a men’s club
called the Prime Timers. If you’re nice,
you’d call us a group of mature gentlemen involved in various social
activities. If you’re not nice but are
bitchy –like so many people-, you could call us a gaggle of gay geezers doing
only God knows what.
Anyway a
few of us are working on a project to raise money for the club. While we don’t advertise the fact, we all
like to knit, it’s a bit like masturbation –enjoyable but not discussed. Anyway, we’re doing a project to raise money.
We are making what might be called, shall I call them, stocking
stuffers, actually they are called cock socks.
Hate that term. Sounds like
something you’d buy in a really depressing discount store.
(The door chimes “There’s
Gonna Be a Hot Time in This Old Town Tonight”) Come on in whoever you are; the lock is off.
Ben Some day you’re going to say that to the wrong man.
Bert Is
there such a creature as a “wrong man”?
Ben Just think how
often we’ve fallen in love before the third drink with some guy in a bar.
Bert There
you go again dragging up the past.
Ben We all know you think that truth is a greatly overrated
virtue. Listen, I went by Playtime Toys and talked to
Mike, the manager; he’d like to get a dozen of the cock socks, but on
consignment.
Bert Consignment? What’s that?
Ben
We let him
have them. For each one he sells we get $7.50. Any he doesn’t sell we get back.
Bert Is he honest?
Ben He’ll sign a contract.
Bert Exactly what sort of place is this Playtime Toys.
Ben You know. He sells
sex toys.
Bert No, I don’t know!
I get along very well without gadgets.
Besides what were you doing in Playtime Toys?
Ben He also sells porn.
Bert Now that’s understandable. Wonder where the magazines get all those good
looking young men who are willing, no, anxious, to take off their clothes to be
photographed. I never see any such
creatures while strolling in the malls, at Safeway, or on 16th
Street.
Ben You should sport a $100 bill or maybe even a $50
on your lapel. Sometimes, I hear, a hot
meal and a warm bed will do the trick.
Bert Really?
Ben At least, that’s
what I hear. Is Adam coming?
Bert Yes. He has a ride with Ned, that new member who was
at the luncheon Wednesday, so he might be on time,
Ben Unlikely. Adam will be too late for his own funeral. (The chimes peal) I might be wrong.
Bert Come on in.
Adam I do believe I’m on time.
Ben Probably nobody else will believe in that miracle.
Adam There you go again being cynical and telling the world.
Ben Not so much cynical as realistic.
Adam No matter. This is
Ned. Remember him from the luncheon
Wednesday. He sat by me. Somehow during the conversation, it came out
that he knits, so naturally I invited him to join us.
Bert Ned, who taught you how?
Ned My grandmother. She babysat me. To keep me still she taught me how to crochet
pot holders. Everybody, no matter who,
got a pot holder for Christmas.
Eventually I graduated to afghans.
Pot holders became dull so she taught me how to knit. As they say, the rest is history.
Bert My story exactly except it was Aunt Amanda. She was a fine seamstress. Women came all the way from Laurel to have
her make them dresses.
Ned Laurel? Maryland?
Ben Lord, no. He’s
from the metropolis of Hot Coffee, Mississippi.
Bert is the only man I know who can turn ‘shit’ into a five-syllable
word.
Ned Five?
Ben He sort of skids on that ‘i’.
Bert You all quit talking about me. I’m thinking we should get a name other than “cock
sox”. That sounds so common.
Ned Hardly common. I’d say downright rare. For example, is one of us wearing a cock sock
now?
Adam It’s not that cold outside.
Ben I’d never thought of using one like long johns.
Bert You all know what I mean – a classy name with just a hint
of naughtiness.
Ned What about ‘Gilding for the Lily’?
Ben Maybe ‘Gift Wrap’.
Adam ‘Camouflage’.
Ben ‘Almost There’
Ned ‘High Hopes’
Adam ‘Manhandler’,
Bert Remember; we’re not trying to name a new perfume.
Ned I once heard them called penis
cozies.
Ben How many guys
have ever seen a tea cozy much less know what a cozy is?
Bert I prefer penis cozy to cock sock because it sounds so warm
and snugly.
Ned Well, now that problem is solved;
we can get to work.
Adam I’m more than half way through one. And Reggie, that guy from Calgary, gave me a
custom order for a gift. Wrote the
colors and the size on his business card.
(He pulls the card from his wallet, reads, and then exclaims) My God!
Bert What’s the matter?
Adam He wants a cock sock in Kelly-green with amethyst blue
trim and 20 by 6!
Ben That’s positively equine.
Ned Sounds more like elephantine.
Bert Those colors are garish.
Wait just one minute! Did you say twenty by six? No one has ever seen one that size; has
anyone ever heard of one?
Ned That would be a treasure in a
museum.
Ben Or in a porno film.
Adam The very wonder!
Ned I think you should verify
those dimensions.
Ben On the other hand if they are wrong, he could use the
thing for a tote bag.
Bert That would be an awful lot of Kelly-green and amethyst
blue. I think you should call to check.
Ben Try to get the other guy’s number.
Adam (Dialing) Hello, Reggie.
Adam Swithin. I’m just checking
to see if I got you order right. My eyes
aren’t what they were.
Never did meet a Dorian Grey either. Now, you have down here on your card Kelly
green…
Oh! He is.
That’s not too common.
All over!
I’m sure he is.
And you want amethyst blue for the trim?
They are?
That must be nice.
Now about the size, I read it as twenty by six
(Disappointed) So that’s it ,
I didn’t know that.
Well, I just wanted to be sure
See you at the luncheon Wednesday. Good bye.
Well, that man is besotted or crazy or vice
versa.
Ned Go ahead and give us the details
Adam Firstly, Reggie, like I said, is madly in love with an Irishman. That’s why he wants the Kelly green.
Ben Never heard of showing your patriotism by wearing a Kelly-green
cock sock.
Ned You’ve never been in the baths
after a St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I did
decades ago in New York. Still suffer
from post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Bert What about the amethyst blue?
Adam That’s the color of Shawn’s beautiful eyes. His hair is red, everywhere.
Ned When the lights are out you can’t
see, so the colors don’t matter, but you can feel a lot.
Ben Tell us. We are
waiting with bated breath. Whatever that
means
Adam Like I said, Reggie is from Calgary. Up in Canada, they use the metric
system. So, it is in centimeters not
inches. Respectable but not marvelous.
Bert But what does all this mean? Centimeters? I don’t understand.
Ben It means that Shawn’s prick is about 7 ½ inches by 2 ¾.
Bert That’ s nice but certainly not 20 X 6.
Ned Oh! How the glory has departed.
Ben Miracles do not happen in the modern world.
Adam But I can still daydream.
Bert Seeing one that
big would be like that old saying “See Paris and die.”
© 17 Oct 2010
About the Author
Although
I have done other things, my fame now rests upon the durability of my
partnership with Carl Shepherd; we have been together for forty-two years and
nine months as of today, August 18th, 2012.
Although
I was born in Macon, Georgia in 1928, I was raised in Birmingham during the
Great Depression. No doubt I still carry
invisible scars caused by that era. No
matter we survived. I am talking about
my sister, brother, and I. There are two
things that set me apart from people.
From about the third-grade I was a voracious reader of books on almost
any subject. Had I concentrated, I would
have been an authority by now; but I didn’t with no regrets.
After
the University of Alabama and the Air Force, I came to Denver. Here I met Carl, who picked me up in Mary’s
Bar. Through our early life, we traveled
extensively in the mountain West. Carl
is from Helena, Montana, and is a Blackfoot Indian. Our being from nearly opposite ends of the
country made “going to see the folks” a broadening experience. We went so many times that we finally had
“must see” places on each route like the Quilt Museum in Paducah, Kentucky and
the polo games in Sheridan, Wyoming. Now
those happy travels are only memories.
I was
amongst the first members of the memory writing class. While it doesn’t offer criticism, it does
offer feedback. Also, just trying to
improve your writing helps no end.
Carl
is now in a nursing home; I don’t drive any more. We totter on.
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