Denial can be unconscious and costumed in so many different and creative ways. I look back on at least sixty some years of telling myself who I am, what I think, what I believe, how I feel, what I want, and an infinite number other adaptations to identity. Now of course I am the same me that I have always been and will always be, but my self-concept and my attachment to definitions of selfhood have run the full spectrum and back again. Wow, isn’t it fascinating what the ego can come up with? And when in full defensive mode the distortions or imaginative propaganda that we try to kid ourselves with is downright funny and occasionally quite sad.
Many of the costumes I have worn over the years are still hanging in the back while all the newer ego outfits are easier to put on or take off. These identity outfits include those I will gladly wear to most any occasion while others I reserve for those special occasions when I want to appear in a particular way. Of course if you’re like me you will have a huge wardrobe. That’s fine. It gives us the ability to be interesting and have character. The trick over a lifetime is to have an assortment of clean, neatly pressed and just plain honest, up front outfits that cover most any situation in a somewhat suitable way.
Now that I can wear my outlandish ear adornments with bright colorful paisley shirts and unusual patterned and multicolor sweaters that when in combination tells the world that I am a somewhat eccentric, flaming queer with no second thoughts.
O.K. I will be fair. There was a time when I was just as flamboyant but tried to pretend that since I was a father and had girlfriends that no one would suspect my innermost desires. Well not too long ago when I finally had my first boyfriend I told my daughters. They all said that they had known since they were young. So why did I keep so many of my most interesting outfits hanging there, practically unused for all these years? I admit that I have either thrown out or given to charity (that’s a line of bull, isn’t it) many of the adornments and outfits that no longer fit. I still have more possible looks than most people I know. I do drag and had lots of fun with my grandson, daughter and son-in-law being catered to by my lover in the audience. I’ve come a long way, baby! Most of the time my closet door is wide open. It really isn’t my style to think of myself as having been a closet case. I may have been able to keep my job, get promotions, have the friends that I avoided, etc., but at the time I wasn’t feeling that I could be the me that wears whatever I want and not try to cover anything up. Since I do need a warm coat in the winter, I try to make sure I have the right color of fuchsia scarf to clash with my red coat and Tibetan bead earbobs over the purple paisley shirt and computer knitted multicolor sweater with purple socks to match. Why did it take most of a lifespan to be and do what I feel most comfortable with and that is as honest as my ego will let me be. I do think my ego is having a hell of a lot more fun now that there is no need for defenses. I often get complements on my many outfits.
About the Author
I go by the drag name, Queen Anne Tique. My real name is
Michael King. I am a gay activist who finally came out of the closet at age 70.
I live with my lover, Merlyn, in downtown Denver, Colorado. I was married
twice, have 3 daughters, 4 grandchildren and a great grandson. Besides
volunteering at the GLBT Center and doing the SAGE activities," Telling
your Story"," Men's Coffee" and the "Open Art Studio".
I am active in Prime Timers and Front Rangers. I now get to do many of the
activities that I had hoped to do when I retired; traveling, writing, painting,
doing sculpture, cooking and drag.
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