[Let me preface my remarks by saying that I am not a psychological expert. What follows are the opinions of a lay person with 67 years of living experience.]
For a person to feel loved, I think there are three prerequisites, three questions that they or I have to answer in all candor:
The first question is: Do I love myself?
The second question is: Am I capable of recognizing and accepting without question the love of others?
The third question is: Am I capable of loving others?
I will deal with the three questions in order—
1. Do I love myself?
If I feel unworthy of love personally, then I have a very real problem in believing that others could love me. In fact, I might even feel anger toward them for having such poor taste. It is quite common to hear of men who abuse or even murder their lovers or spouses. I suspect that such men feel so badly about themselves that they blame those closest to them for not understanding that they are unworthy of love. Because they feel victimized and worthless, they feel justified in taking out their frustration on those closest to them, after which they can penalize themselves further.
To feel loved, I must feel that I am worthy of love and that I am able to give love in return. I must be able to see what love is, what it looks like in all its forms, which brings me to the second question.
2. Am I capable of recognizing and accepting without question the love of others?
A person may be able to love themselves but not perceive love from others directed toward them. They need not have disordered personalities but may have been so without compassion and love as children that they tend to distrust the motives of those who do demonstrate love toward them. They may feel that they are being set up for disappointment later or they may not even recognize love in some of its multitudinous forms.
If I am sitting on a stool in a gay bar and a man puts his hand on my knee, is that a sign of love? If he looks into my eyes with passion, is that love? What does it mean if he buys me expensive gifts? What if he offers to water my plants while I am on vacation? Or to give me a free back rub? Or to buy me a drink? My 35-year-old son tells me that I should call him every time because I am the father. Is paternal love a one-way street? These are hard questions for anyone to answer.
3. Am I capable of loving others?
Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of empathy. They are so disassociated from the feelings of others that they are unable to perceive the need for love in others and have no love left to give away. They are not capable of perceiving love when it is shown to them because they think it is their "due". They cannot give love to others because they think it will diminish themselves. They can "feel love" only so much as it reinforces their already ingrained opinion of themselves.
In conclusion, in order to feel loved, I must feel that I have room for improvement and am flawed enough to warrant criticism. Only this quality makes it possible to appreciate those whose love is showered upon me despite my imperfections.
Unconsciously, I ask myself every day, "How much love do I need?" and "How am I going to get it?". One way I get it is by coming here. I can feel it and it is good.
© 21 October 2013
About the Author
Soon after, I retired and we moved to Denver, my husband's home town. He passed away after 13 blissful years together in October of 2012. I am left to find a new path to fulfillment. One possibility is through writing. Thank goodness, the SAGE Creative Writing Group was there to light the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment