Anger, by Betsy

In my personal life there is very little about which I feel anger. Oh there are the little irritations from time to time, but when I take a good look inside I find I have very little anger.  It could be that I have learned that there is little--there is nothing really--to be gained from expressing anger all the time or even once in a while. 

I find the expression of anger directed at me personally very frightening. I really do not know how to deal with it.  I guess maybe that is because I am not used to seeing anger expressed.  I do not recall either of my parents ever raising their voices or expressing anger except in a rational way.  I, in turn, learned to internalize my anger and not be expressive about it save to talk to someone about it the next day in a calm way, of course.

It was only later in life that I learned that feeling anger is one thing. Expressing it is another. Feeling any emotion just IS.  We do not really choose how we feel, do we?  Feeling angry is no different from feeling happy in that it just IS. Most of us have probably heard the words at some time in our childhood, “Don’t cry, don’t be mad.”

On the other hand have you ever been told by an adult to not be happy or to not show joy.  Advise today seems to be much more sensible: allow yourself to feel the feeling. Give yourself permission to feel angry.  I think this is good advise. But it should not end there.  It should be followed with a word about the appropriate expression of one’s anger.  It’s in the same basket with being gay. “If you is, you is.” The behavior choice comes with how you act on that state of being.  The behavior choice comes with how you act on your anger. You can take it out on a crowd of people with an Uzi or you can take some positive action to try to change the situation, or do anything in between those two extremes.

One thing is for sure.  Anger is a powerful emotion.  Some people can carry it with them daily into their lives from childhood to old age. Personally, I feel sorry for anyone who lives this way.  What a waste of energy. Anger does take a ton of energy.  And then also, we have all seen someone who is already angry about something that MIGHT, JUST MIGHT happen in the future. Also a waste.

Among my heroes are the many people who have much to be angry about but can devote their lives to making positive changes for the betterment of everyone, people who have historically suffered abuse and are currently experiencing injustices that might certainly generate unimaginable anger, yet they choose to take positive action sometimes at great risk and try to make changes in the system.  Martin Luther King, Cesar Chavez, Rosa Parks are some outstanding examples here, but there are hundreds of thousands less known heroes who could go on that list.

 Another one of my heroes is Judy Shepherd, mother of Matthew Shepherd, the young gay college student who was bullied to death in Laramie, Wyoming several years ago. Matthew’s parents,Judy and her husband, first FORGAVE the perpetrators of this heinous crime by asking the jury not to impose the death penalty, and then (and I think because they were able to forgive) Judy Shepherd became one of the nation’s most effective advocates for gay rights.  I have the greatest respect anyone in such a situation who knows the importance of forgiveness and, does not carry the proverbial chip on the shoulder. 

 Unlike my personal life there is a lot of dysfunction in our culture and our society today which does cause me to feel anger.  The greed and ego-driven behavior of some of our leaders makes me angry.  Our gun culture makes me angry.  Our war-driven politics and means of gaining and keeping power in the world makes me angry. Inequality and voter suppression make me angry. Our elected officials disregard and unwillingness to take care of our environment for the sake of their own personal gain makes me angry. The so-called war on women makes me angry. The list could go on and on.  However these are not the kind of issues that generate immediate action.  These problems are deeply embedded in our culture today and cannot be simply and directly addressed except in the voting booth. For that reason I suspect a good bit of frustration is mixed in with the anger.

But, as with personal issues, I hope I can apply the teachings of my spiritual guru, Eckhart Tolle and not waste energy on complaining and other  fruitless mental activity.  Even those small irritations need not be nurtured.  Ideally I would choose to either take some positive action as an expression of my forgiveness or express my personal point of view and take some general action that would promote it.

© 9 June 2015 

About the Author 

Betsy has been active in the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change).  She has been retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years.  Since her retirement, her major activities include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning.  Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys spending time with her four grandchildren.  Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.