When Things Don't Work, by Gillian

Throughout human time, I believe, there has been a certain protocol to be followed when things don't work. You change them, stop using them, or eliminate them. This is more or less the pattern today. But we seem to have added a little something. We apply the same rules to things or procedures or systems which do work!

A prime case in point would be computer programs. I struggle for months to master how to use, say, hypothetical programs photomax, to share my photographs on line, or readywrite for my weekly story-writings. I don't find either of them particularly user-friendly, but then, at my age new cyber-tricks do not settle instantly in my brain. I can guarantee, the moment I become fairly comfortable with them, I shall receive notice of the dreaded upgrades. I dither. I do not want to install the bloody upgrades because then I shall return to the bottom of the learning curve. But if I don't, I run the risk of the whole thing becoming so down-level that it slowly bogs down in computer mire. Timidly, I click on ignore. The screen is instantly filled with flashing WARNING signs. If you do not install this upgrade, oversized, over-excited words threaten me, you will no longer be able to use readywrite 4-1. Meanwhile photomax is telling me that unless I download their upgrade my system will lose security integrity. But why is it, that in order to upgrade security, they also change every little thing about how it works? When I pressed *4, this used to happen. Now, nothing happens. But if I hit command S, which used to sort my photos, the screen now goes blank. Oh, I see. It transferred everything to the trash. Why oh why, I moan, do they always have to fix things when they ain't broke? It worked perfectly. I had learned to love it. Now I hate it all over again!

The real-world equivalent of cyber-upgrades would be the similarly dreaded new and improved. That phrase can generate panic attacks. Oh no! That means it will no longer work for me. That blouse I have bought three of over the last couple of years will now be too tight and have sleeves that end, as modern female fashion seems to dictate, four inches below my fingertips. My favorite shoes, now new and improved, are suddenly only available in strangely psychedelic colors. A few years ago they "improved" many of my favorite deli and restaurant dishes by loading them up with pico de gallo; a flavor I really do not appreciate. When a new and improved bus schedule comes along, you can bet it provides a diminished service.

Often appearing in tandem with new and improved is the worst one of all; for your convenience. Any time you are greeted with that one, you know things are about to become very inconvenient indeed. For your convenience, with that new and improved schedule, the bus will no longer run after 6.oo p.m. and will no longer stop at Union Station. For your convenience the parking lot will be closed for two weeks in July. This, of course, in order to provide new and improved parking spaces. A few weeks ago King Soopers reorganized it's stores for, of course, our convenience, so that now no-one can find anything. I think my favorite to date is a sign posted recently on a bank door; for your convenience this branch will no longer be open on Saturday morning. Really! Where are these people's heads? Do they believe that simply saying it makes it so? 

Maybe we should give it a try!?

There are, happily, many of us in our Monday story-time group these days, so I'm trying to keep my offerings pretty short. But my future new and improved stories will be a minimum of 10,000 words. For your convenience.

© 8 Dec 2014 

About the Author 

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 28 years.