Mirror Image by Donny Kay

When I look in the mirror at this time in my life I recognize someone that I've not acknowledged throughout most of my life experience. Yes the image in the mirror reflects someone who is maturing in age with lines surrounding the eyes and furrows across the receding hairline depicting the experiences of a long and arduous journey. The weathered skin, giving evidence to the effects of the brutal Colorado sun.  The hair has turned white. 

And yet as I look at my image I see someone vibrant and alive with desire, passion and energy expressed in the radiance of the eyes and smile, as well as the demeanor that is reflected.  It's no longer difficult to view my image without seeing qualities that I've refused to consider in times past.  I gaze with honor and respect for my courageousness to not have given up on this journey.  It's easy to extend love and acceptance to the one looking me squarely in the eye.  I find me desirable, not in a conceited way but in a way that allows me to wink as I glimpse at the image, welcoming the one who knows me inside out, as I step into the reflection that is me.

The one who gazes back at me in the reflection is the one who has journeyed this entire life experience with me. The one in the mirrors reflection is the one who knows me better than anyone else.  It's this one, the one in the mirror that has been present in each moment of life's experiences, like a truly devoted and loving friend.  It is the one in the mirror that some spiritual teachers refer to as the Beloved, who has always loved me.  It is the one in the reflection that I have rejected time and again and yet, he is always present, matching my gaze.

The images I was more customary to witnessing in the reflection in the mirror were not positive.  I would wonder how anyone could ever see me as handsome or remotely desirable.  I saw myself as a phony and imposter.  There were times when I would look in the mirror and loathe the reflection that stared back.  

Six years ago I stood in front of the mirror in a locked bathroom. The shower was running, the faucets at the sink had been turned on along with the fan that whirred as the steam was drawn from the enclosed space. As the sound of the toilet marked its return from a recent flush, I whispered to the one in the mirror, "I think I'm gay". 

Tears formed in the eyes of the one looking back. I think I even detected an affirming wink. For the first time ever there was a sense of safety and acceptance as our eyes exchanged views. We looked at one another for a long time, afraid to break the intimate exchange that was ours alone to experience. If ever I was to experience a homecoming, it was in the moment of that exchange. 

Six years ago, as this confidence was shared with the Beloved, this life journey changed course allowing me to finally love again the one who has always loved me. And in the experience of love, forgiveness and compassion take back my life. 

What was required was that I be willing to get rid of the life that I had planned so as to have the life that was waiting for me.

© 1 April 2013

About the Author

Donny Kaye-Is a native born Denverite.  He has lived his life posing as a hetero-sexual male, while always knowing that his sexual orientation was that of a gay male.  In recent years he has confronted the pressures of society that forced him into deep denial regarding his sexuality and an experience of living somewhat of a disintegrated life.  “I never forgot for a minute that I was what my childhood friends mocked, what I thought my parents would reject and what my loving God supposedly condemned to limitless suffering.” StoryTime at The Center has been essential to assisting him with not only telling the stories of his childhood, adolescence and adulthood but also to merely recall the stories of his past that were covered with lies and repressed in to the deepest corners of his memory.  Within the past two years he has “come out” not only to himself but to his wife of four decades, his three children, their partners and countless extended family and friends.  Donny is divorced and yet remains closely connected with his family.  He lives in the Capitol Hill Community of Denver, in integrity with himself and in a way that has resulted in an experience of more fully realizing integration within his life experiences. He participates in many functions of the GLBTQ community.